2012 Words to Ponder

No one is happier to see this year end, than me.  No one.  Just take my word on that.  (Disclaimer: I tend to over exaggerate.  I really am grateful for what I have because there are a million people out there that have had it so much worse and I don’t mean to demean them in any way.) I was kind of hoping I wouldn't even be around to see this year come to a close, you know with the end of the world and all that was supposed to happen.  But even that couldn't go right!  Those darn Mayans were wrong again!  (On a side note: Why were we so enthralled with a civilization that made such a prediction but didn't have the cojones to stick around for it?  Yes, I know they are still around in sorts, but I didn't see any of their ancestors getting all bent out of shape, selling their assets, saying goodbye to loved ones in far away lands, or thinking the end was this month.  Who's laughing at who now?  Well played Mayans.  Well played.)  Anyway, back to the subject at hand.  You know it's been a hell of a year when you are by choice sitting at home alone on New Year's Eve knowing that the only kiss you are going to get is a slobbery one from your puppy, that is if he can last long enough to stay up until midnight, and you are eating that last bite of your Ben and Jerry's, judging the fate of the upcoming year on whether there is going to be a piece of heath bar or not in your last spoonful.  Really?  Come on guys!  Am I the only one who does that?  The fate of your world has never rested on a chocolaty morsel of goodness?  Maybe you aren’t a food person.  Your heath bar could also be a green traffic light at just the right timing, or the possibility of it snowing, or a check engine light suddenly disappearing, or a handful of many other ridiculous tests, all of which I’ve probably used. (Just so you know I did find one in that last spoonful.  So it looks like it's gonna be a good New Year up ahead folks!) 
This year has come with many ups and downs.  It was a thrilling rollercoaster ride if you ask me.  Great Adventure has nothing on me!  From again breaking up with the person I loved, to make way for the better man that I’m still waiting on; from making a bad Valentine’s the best I’ve ever had by spending it with one of my closest friends on a cruise, and meeting some awesome people that will be lifelong friends; from dealing with countless family struggles, including but not limited to suicide attempts, surgery, missing persons, cancer, job loss, accidents, mental hospitals, etc., to being able to say we are all still here and together to end this year; from being miserable at my job, but finally having enough balls to quit that which I hated, to search for something I love; from unexpectedly watching the death of the best four legged friend I ever had, to finding a new (wo)man’s best friend to keep me company; from old roommates leaving, to welcoming new ones; from being jobless, but getting unemployment, allowing me the opportunity to go on a road trip of a lifetime to finally get to see this place I live in called America and what it’s all about, and in turn visiting/meeting some awesome people and places, finding out about my roots, and gaining a new perspective on life outside of the east coast hustle and bustle; to fighting over softball politics, but making way for a season in a new league next year; from turning 30, realizing what I had planned for my life at this age just wasn’t in the cards, to being able to let go of those things and live more freely;  from having time to do the things I love like starting this blog, being able to help out with hurricane Sandy, feeding the homeless, and landing a place on the board of a non-profit; and finally to today in which I find out one of my roommates is leaving, and my unemployment claim just expired and they are not offering extensions (bad time to quit smoking and drinking!).  These are just the highlights I can think of off the top of my head.
It’s really not too tough a life looking back at it all now, but I can tell you I certainly felt the pain of the pulling, stretching, and growing while in each of these moments.  Many of which looked bleak at the time, but here I am still standing.  That’s the most important thing I choose to remember when life throws you these curveballs.  This life thing always has a way of working itself out.  The way I look at it is, I've lived and have made it through a lot and have seen others make it through some impossible circumstances as well.  There's always a silver lining if you look for it. So many things happen, good and bad, but they make way for the things that need to happen in the future to get you to where you need to go.  If we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we need a push in a different direction as we are creatures of habit and love our comfort.  
It’s so easy to lose our cool when we see a road block in the way.  We just want to drive along our merry way in our VW Jetta’s on the nicely paved road before us and follow the way our GPS takes us.  We have a plan and a timeframe.  When things don’t go according to it, we get our panties all up in a bunch.  Why?  I think it’s because we like to worry, as I can’t think of one rational reason why any of it matters.  What will happen if we don’t make it to our destination?   What will everyone think?  Where are we going to go?  How will we survive?  Who will it affect?  None of these questions even matter, because there is no definitive answer for any of them.  Basically we will find out when we get there.  Why even waste time thinking about them?  We are so concerned about where we can’t go, that we miss the beauty in seeing all the other options that have just opened up AKA where we CAN go.  There’s always a world of possibilities: say a dune buggy in the desert, or a quad through the forest, or a helicopter ride to the pinnacle.  I don’t know about you, but those options sound a lot more fun than driving around in my Jetta on a paved road. 
If there’s one thing I’ve learned on my little cross country road trip, it’s that it’s easy to only see the bubble we live in and have grown accustomed to, and then fit the rest of the world inside that bubble.  Of course I knew that the world did not live like us Americans.  But what I didn’t know is that Americans don’t live only like us East Coasters; or that us East Coasters don’t live only like us Jersey people; or that us Jersey people don’t only live like us North Jersey people; or that us North Jersey people don’t only live like us (fill in the blank with any North Jersey county).  Well I think you get the drift.  We create our own worlds and fit the rest of everyone else into it.  In a parallel way, we see our situations through the same glasses.  Many times only seeing one option, when in fact there are many. The only standard of normal in life is the one we create in our own minds.  Our own aspirations and opinions, and those of the ones we have listened to our whole lives, and the people we have grown up around, all help to create what we consider “normal” and what is important to us. We need to remember to see things outside of this bubble.
We, in general, as humans, are afraid of change.  But why?  Shouldn’t we be welcoming it?  Excited for a whole new set of doors to be placed in front of us?  Just because life isn't the same as it used to be, doesn't mean it's better or worse…it’s just different.  I'm not afraid of dying, and that is the worst possible thing that I can think of happening in life, because when it comes, there’s no escaping it.  So anything less than death that comes my way seems reasonably overcome-able.  The question is not “will things change” because they most certainly will as nothing stays the same, but the real question is “will I be around long enough to be able to see and experience it”.  I know that just as quickly as the downs come, is just as quickly the ups can come. I guess it helps I'm a hard headed German and a fighting Irish too. Defeat is not a word in my vocabulary.  If you are still living and breathing, there is hope that people, places, and circumstances can change.  No matter what comes my way, at the end of the day, I can say at least I'm still alive, and can look back and see what I’ve made it through, and know that at some point, things will change.  Sometimes all we have to do is keep standing until it does.
So here I am with this bad news of having no money coming in until I find a job. At this point you would think I would take anything, but noooooo.  I can’t allow myself to get sucked into the mind numbing state of work again. I’ve surfed through plenty of jobs, have been offered interviews and positions, all of which I have turned down.  It’s not money or time or status that is going to make the job decision this time.  It’s my heart.  I gotta do something I love for once and not be concerned about anything else that follows.  If that means I must work 80 hours a week to make ends meet, so be it.  It won’t be work if I am doing something I love, or so they say.  I don’t know whether I finally have mastered this no worry thing I’ve always believed in, or if I am just numb due to all the crazy tragedies in my life, or am somewhat cocky and really put a lot of stock into people’s encouragement that “I can do anything and that things will work out”, but the bottom line is, I am not concerned with the fear of impending doom from any angle.  It would really be wrong of me to leave out the most important contributing factor which allows me to feel this way.  As well as my scientific experiments, trial and error approaches, and straight up logic, I feel confident in also knowing that there is a higher power, God in respect, that knows what’s best for me, sees the future, plays a hand in these things he allows, has promised he’d always provide, and has felt the pain I’ve experienced.  It really helps to know this kind of love, feel that peace, and have that sort of hope. This all goes back to the bubble we are living in.  How easy it is to forget who’s we are when everything surrounding us on a constant basis sends different messages?  How crazy is it that we put so much faith in the laws that us fallible men and women create, yet don’t pay attention to any of the truths God tells us about the world he made?  This is the end of my 2012 words to ponder (you can count them). I feel fully confident that things’ll work out this year.  My spoonful of Ben and Jerry’s told me so. 

The bigger they come...the more we need Neosporin

What goes up must come down, and the bigger they come the harder they fall. If you looked up both of these in the dictionary or on the web (as you young whippersnappers do nowadays), I'm pretty sure you would read about Newton and gravity, some musical artist named Jimmy Cliff, and then you would see a picture of my last relationship. So the answer to my previous post is that it was a big crash and burn, if you haven't caught on. But just because my big chance didn't end in one of those crazy love stories doesn't mean it's not a possibility...no hope lost, just a beat up heart that will heal in time. I'm still gonna try to keep my doors open to new things because one fail doesn't equate that all fail.
That being said, now I know why my younger self chose to never date anyone with kids...when the relationship goes south not only do I have one bandaid to pull off to let my would heal, I now have two. I masked my no kid rule as I didn't want to deal with the baby mama drama, which is of course true, but I found out that wasn't the most prominent reason...it was because I love kids and it hurts to have to let them go. They are so full of life and energy and remind us of what it is like to live with hope and curiosity, before all our walls are up that we build as adults. It especially breaks my heart when you know that you are having a positive affect in their lives. Through childhood we create the building blocks of who we are as adults...to be a part of that in someone's life is not something I take lightly. And I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to leave a job incomplete.
Much to my surprise, I'm not 100% sure which bandaid hurts less...you can call a guy a jerk, get angry, say he's selfish, or that he just wasn't what you thought he was and you can get your closure (coined from and explained in that all too famous Friends episode) and move on...but when a kid's done nothing wrong and ends up being a casualty to an adult's poor decisions...I think that's a tougher wound to heal.
What I'm really trying to say and what I believe is the most important thing we can learn from all this is: Buying a puppy is the best Neosporin in the world. They are always happy to see you. Not to mention they keep you busy, and your mind away from thinking about all the things we shouldn't be pining over (cuz let's face it...sometimes we will never understand why things happen or people do what they do without the proper facts or full picture). Though some say they are mere animals, they can sense emotion, know when you need a good snuggle, are always ready to hang out, are loyal to the end, understand give and take, and love in it's purest form. All natural instincts, that in my opinion, many of us humans have forgotten and have become buried within our adult walls. Anyway...everyone say hello to Tucker (my Neosporin)...my fast track to healed wounds and a happy heart.

Thankful, I Am

Swells, the rising, the falling, and the rising back up again. The changing of seasons, aka the mountains and the valleys, without which we could never truly appreciate what we have, nor be pressed to strive for what we don't have. Family, blood and sometimes more importantly the one's we get to choose...each leaves their footprints in my heart...every one different in their own way leaving their own mark...sometimes it's a long walk, and sometimes it's a short one and sometimes the gait changes entirely. Forgiveness, to release us from carrying burdens with us in whatever form or way they come, enabling us the choice to be truly free. Caring, whether it comes in the physical of a warm embrace, or a need being met, or it comes in the intangible of just being available, or knowing what to say or when to be silent and listen. Free will, the ability to choose our path...sometimes it is all to often forgotten that we ourselves hold the power to change ourselves and the world around us. Our insides...mind, will, and emotions which can be very misleading and tumultuous at times yet without, we would never experience anything real or be able to grasp the lessons we so desperately need to learn. Love, the glue that holds my broken pieces together turning it into a beautiful work of art. Thankful, I am.

Spring Cleaning for the Dating Scene

Why are there love stories? I'm not talking about the made up movie ones...I'm talking about the real life ones. The kinds that are against all odds...where people take chances that the majority of the world wouldn't take and it ends up in their favor. There's supposed to be a logical world of dating. Step 1: you meet. Step 2: you hang out and get to know one another. Step 3: you decide whether the information you've gathered is favorable or not to progress further. Should you make it past step 3 with a yes then comes the serious talk, meeting of the family/friends, moving in, marriage, babies, and all that mess. But what about the relationships that don't follow that route? Is there such a thing as fate or divine intervention?
All my life I've been following a pattern to dating. Through my experiences and various friend's experiences I've set rules to my dating scene. Now I'm not trying to say that one shouldn't have certain rules...I definitely believe each and every person should know what they want and seek to find it. But I'm saying, after years of having the same rules, sometimes you need to stop and re-evaluate them. There are certain things a person should or shouldn't allow in their lives for sure but it all depends on the person and their ability to deal with certain situations. And it all stems from what we have experienced, been taught, and ultimately believe.
In having a conversation recently I was reminded of the logical pattern of dating. The person I was speaking with said something along the lines that certain people depending on their past were not meant for me. I, of course, disagreed knowing I'm not a perfect person and could have just as easily been in a number of bad situations that by the grace of God I've mostly avoided. And then it dawned on me...that my pattern I've been following was scientifically based on perfect people in a perfect world. The reality is that we are imperfect people in an imperfect world and it's no wonder my relationships have never worked out. I never had the correct equation because the variables available didn't fit into it. So upon this realization I completely revamped my dating equation and opened it up to allow taking chances and to go where my gut leads. So back to the question, what happens when you take a chance and do things cuz you feel you should but it's in a seemingly illogical order? You could crash and burn or...you might get one of those crazy love stories. I think the possibility of the latter is worth the risk.

Per Your Perspective

At what point does a conversation turn into an argument? What's the line where actions speak louder than words? Why can two different people in one situation see things in completely opposite ways? How is it that one simple new fact can change the way you see a person? These are the questions I ask when life happens. And in essence this is the heart beat to life...questioning and finding the answers. To know a man of power as stereotypical...until you see him in another light when you realize he's a dad who kneels and prays every night before he goes to bed. To be in the midst of a fight and wanting to inflict pain be it emotional or physical because you were hurt but then realizing that the other person is only acting out of their own hurt and thus understanding their position and realizing it's not always about you. To speak your opinion not just to be heard or to win someone over but to allow the other person their opinion and time on the floor...realizing that a conversation involves two sides and that requires listening and response...to learn. Perspective is just that...a point of view...it's changeable. Sometimes it takes a bit of additional knowledge, sometimes it takes questions and probing, sometimes it takes us moving to a different vantage point, sometimes it takes some steps in another persons shoes...any and many things can change a perspective. We just need to realize that our perspective is not the only valid one. I guess all this is meant just to remind ourselves that when we are in the midst of something or we see someone in a certain way remember that that is the way we see them/it with the information at hand and that it can change at any moment if we are open enough to seek and allow other perspectives in. Also to remind ourselves that when someone is opposing us, that we don't need to take it to heart and hold a grudge because if we do then we never allow the space and freedom for the other person's perspective to change as well.

Crossroads

As some of you know, I'm about to embark on a journey across the country and back for 30 days. At first, the idea started out as to cross something off bucket list while I had the time. This morning, the day I leave, the last day I'll be sleeping in my bed for quite some time, I can't even sleep. All I can do is think. And what I am thinking about is how this road trip has developed to not only a physical journey, but a journey of the soul. For a long time I've been unhappy. Trying to fit in a cookie cutter box shaped in the form of the American dream, that I'm starting to learn, I just don't fit into. Work a job I hate, to make the most money I can, to support myself and have a house and prepare for a future that I in all truth and honesty really don't yet have and is possible I might never attain. And as I was laying in my bed, I couldn't help but think about how absurd that sounds and gasp at the amount of time I've spent doing it. Regrets...that's one thing I always wanted to live without...but if we are being honest here, if I knew what I did today 10-15 years ago, I would have made different choices along the way. Anyone that has grown as a person over years would say the same thing. The only reason not to regret is that it made you into the person you are today...which is the argument I always gave. But I never realized until now that it's just a cheap way to remove responsibility and acknowledgement of your actions from your past self and all future screw ups. Make it, own it, learn from it, tell others. Here's the flip side...if you were already that person and knew all you knew now, back then...then you would want to go back and make better decisions. Unfortunately we don't have either option and we can only learn from our successes and failures. (Or we could start listening to the wisdom of some wise old folk.) Granted, I've had some really good experiences in this life. Met some amazing people along my way, and have done things that I never knew I could or would (good and bad) in these 30 years and I wouldn't change it because that was my life experience. But even still, I'm not truly happy trying to fit myself into this box it seems. Through all the things that have happened in my life, even just recently, losing the job I hated, not being able to find a decent guy, and having my best furry friend pass out of the blue, it seems like life's been throwing me in a direction whether I like it or not. My one last tie is my house...and I'm almost thinking I should offer it up willingly as a peace offering to said "Life" before it takes that too. Lol It's as if life's sending all these signals and messages to get me to where I should be headed but all I wanna do is swim against the current because that's where everyone else is headed. I'm starting to think that maybe I've just been in the wrong stream so to speak. All I know is it's almost as if life has been speaking to me and trying to subtly point me in a direction and now it's pulling out the big guns and sending the message loud and clear. It's funny to me that I should have just paused and asked myself where life was directing me, and just gone with the flow of it all this time. (Oh the battles of being a fighting Irish and hard headed German woman!) When you ask the people that have found what they are made to do, or they are with the person that they want to be with...the phrase that just keeps rolling over and over in my mind is "Do what you love and what makes you happy. Follow your heart." Never have I ever heard any of these people say, buy a house, get a paycheck, make a logical decision on the right guy to marry. No...it's always to go with your gut...take a chance even if the world is standing against you (as it's not the norm)...no matter how crazy it sounds, just get out there and live your dream. I know these are not mind blowing words...but today they ring true to me. I've only started listening to my gut this past year...and it was usually to alert me of bad stuff and I have to say it's always been right. But with this trip I think I'm starting to learn how to listen to my gut to push me towards the good stuff too. Some days I feel like if I don't get out of this rat race and reclaim the things that make me who I am, that I'm gonna just collapse and vanish into thin air. So today with this road trip I'm hoping to slow it down and get out of the traffic, be removed from all I know and have grown to love, and be placing myself on the open road of a world with many possibilities, possibly some road blocks dangers along the way, and exchange what I have and know for something fresh and unknown...sometimes you have to cross a few borders to gain a new perspective. There are going to be many crossroads on this trip and in this journey of life...but I'm determined to make it a good one from this point forward.

Faith is Not Just for Church Folk

I've always tried to think if there was one message I could grasp...one word to live by...one thing to prove...what would that thing be? After much debate, I chose love. I'm so serious that I have the word tattooed on my arm. In it's purest form if everyone followed it to a tee...I feel like it would solve all the problems of the world. Greatest commandment=love. "All you need is love." It was the base of the hippie movement. It knows no bounds. Conquers all evils in every classic John Cusack movie there ever was. And all that jazz. Would you steal or lie or cheat or murder, be mean to anyone if you truly loved them...no (of course this were to assume that we were all perfect in a perfect world). So naturally my favorite Bible verse is "...faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." I kinda always understood the love part. Only recently did I get the part about hope...without it, there are no dreams to see things bigger and better...but I kinda jumped right over the faith thing. I didn't understand the concept. I always felt that anything that was worth something could be used universally. Like the world was meant to run a certain way and if you take religion aside, no matter of your upbringing or age, it should work...so I didn't see how faith could fit in my little theory. Faith is such a churchy word (or at least in my upbringing...it might as well say in the webster "FAITH: see your local church for explanation"). So to me I didn't get how that word could fit in universally for all to work. Then in talking to one of my best buds one day...let's call him Mr. Down on His Luck to save his privacy...he said something that struck me and made me understand the concept of faith aside from religion. He said that talking to a certain friend always breathed a life into him and made him feel better and not so down on himself. And I asked him why. He said no matter how bad things got he would always have a positive outlook in regards to speaking with him and about his situation. Basically he never gave up on him or talked down to him or saw him in a different light or hinted to the fact that he was any different than anyone else, even if that was the truth of the moment. He always had faith that he was a good guy and would come around and find his own place and purpose again. And I'll be honest...I'd been friends with Mr. Down on His Luck for years. We had a special bond. I realized that in all the years of knowing him at probably his worst, I never undoubtedly had 100% faith in him that there would be a better day for him. I always spoke the truth and saw him as he was at the moment and accepted him for who he was. I'd listen to his problems and offer solutions but never negate the fact that he had shit going on that needed to be fixed. Being the honest person I am, I never shied away from pointing it out every now and then, like he didn't realize what was going on. Like maybe by acknowledging the flaws he would suddenly see the light and fix them. Though everything has it's place and honesty really is the way to go, I forgot how important the words spoken have the power to uplift and heal. Sadly he's not the only victim of my doing...I do this quite a lot to the people I care about. (I'd like to take this moment and apologize to all those people...seriously...anything I've said was all out of love...I didn't get the faith part yet.) Thankfully though it made me realize what faith is all about. It's about seeing what is, but realizing that's not all it can be, and speaking things into existence that will uplift the soul. Have you ever noticed that when you talk about things they come up later in conversation or life, almost as if someone heard you? It happens to me all the time, but only when I'm paying attention and looking for the still small moments do I realize they are there. It's like when you were little and someone talked about monsters in your closet and all of a sudden, what you never knew was suddenly apparent and created something out of nothing and you did silly things like make your 5 year younger brother turn on all the lights for you before going downstairs to bed. Or if you prayed for snow so you didn't have to go to school the next day, and you woke up and it was all serene and fluffy white outside. (Both stories come from my real life experiences). It's kinda like that. Words have this sort of power to come to fruition...they carry meaning behind them and can be used for good or evil. And so that is how I finally understood this little word called faith outside the context of religion. It is just as universal as hope and love.
PS: Thank you Mr. Up on Cloud 9 for teaching me this little lesson. I'm forever grateful dear. ;)

If You Want to Get Closer to God...Buy a VW

One of my favorite books is "The Art of Prayer and Volkswagen Maintenance". This is humorous only for the fact that in all the years I've owned this book, I've never actually sat down and thought about the title. This past week and a half I only came to realize what the title of that book really meant. It means that anyone that has a VW, is not a trained mechanic, and tries to "maintenance" it themselves, prays. End of story. (Who knew those Germans were so spiritual!) Now I honestly don't pray as much as I should...more like I don't devote a specific part of my day to get on my knees and pray normally...but once I started working on my VW over a week ago to do what I thought was some routine "maintenance" and change my brakes...my prayer life drastically improved.

Long version of the story (If you don't have 1/2 hour on your hands to read it, and don't really care about car maintenance, and want the abridged version skip on down to the next paragraph):
Anyway...so here's how this all came to be. I went to church...was reminded about prayer and how important it was. I think to myself, I really need to pray more. (Let me just state here...be careful what you wish for). Then I started working on my VW to get ready for a month long road trip I was planning on going on in a couple weeks. It was a Thursday. I figured I'd change the brakes, maybe the rotor I messed up 2 years ago and be up and running same day...no biggie. Little did I know, I needed a tool no one sold or had (except one mechanic at VW had but was not willing to part with for an hour cuz apparently it's that hard to come by) to take off the rotor.  So I said, "Screw it. I'll just slap on the brakes and forget about the rotor again". In changing my brakes, I found one of the calipers had seized and the piston wouldn't turn in and thus all work halted. I had to order a new caliper. By the time I found this out, it, of course, was the weekend and I couldn't get the part 'til Monday. So I figured if I was waiting that long, I'd put the tool on order to take the rotor off. I was now in the waiting process, stuck at my parents house, with my car on bricks...and patience is not one of my strongest virtues. I was lucky enough to have a friend that was going away on vacation the exact week my car was immobile, who allowed me to borrow her car for the week (my own personal LIFE SAVER). So Monday came and I got my caliper.  The tool to take off the rotor was scheduled to get here Thursday when I placed it on order. As soon as I got the tracking number for the tool I was habitually checking it's progress and was stressing as it was estimating a delivery date of Friday. Friday was the day I had to get to the airport, pick up my friend, and give her her car back. So if I didn't get the part Thursday, as originally planned, I would have no time to fix my car and would be stuck indefinitely at my parents house with no mode of transportation...which to me is a nightmare. (You know how it feels to have been moved out for 7 years and only being able to handle them in small doses...then imagine the thought of living back there indefinitely...scary!) The night of Wednesday I literally got on my hands and knees and prayed (first request answered) that the tool would come in the Thursday instead of Friday. While I was down on my knees I also snuck in there a request for more patience because at this point my car had been down for a week and I was getting nervous. (Again, I can not stress enough...be careful what you wish for.) Much to my surprise, the next morning I checked the tracking of the part as an anal stressed person would do, and the ship date changed to Thursday. So here it is a week later and I finally had what I needed to get my car running...just in the nick of time.  Trying to fix the car, everything took longer than expected and it seemed like it was one project and fiasco after another. We didn't get the car up and running. Friday I gave my borrowed car back and was under the gun working on my car. Again we ran into so many problems and questions.  Do we need to bleed the clutch?  What order do we bleed the brakes (with VW's is completely opposite of the conventional way)? After a grueling day/night again working on the car...we had it all together. Relief set in...until I tried to start my car.  My clutch wouldn't engage, car wouldn't start, warning lights blowing up all over my dash, and all I got was the dreaded "click click click" when I turned the key. (Hence my 2nd request of increased patience was answered). And then I broke down completely, burst into tears, and had no choice but to settle down and sleep and deal with it tomorrow. On top of my car issues, I had to blow off a friend I promised to help that night and felt bad about that. (so here's the part where God gives me more than I asked for...faith). The next morning I woke up, called people for suggestions...and was so upset and frustrated that I sat in the driver seat and pumped the clutch like 20 times angrily. And for whatever reason I decided to try to start the car even though I had done it multiple times the prior night with the same failed result...and don't u know that thing purred like a kitten and started right up. The warning lights disappeared. I sat there almost in disbelief.  Whatever was wrong kinda just fixed itself. The saga was over...and I had gotten what I asked God for and more. And it just so happens that my car was fixed in time to still help my friend as he decided to wait until the next day to do his project, so I got that feeling bad part resolved too.  Oh and my car was ready just in time for me to make it to church the next morning. Of course...that's just TOO perfect. Not ready when I was supposed to go out drinking or meet someone that again is probably not good for me (you can read my earlier blog about that one "God's Cock Blocking Me).

Abridged Version of the story:
Everything that went wrong fixing my car, went wrong; which caused me to pray really hard; which caused me to ask for patience; which prompted God to give me a reason to make me be patient (kinda like when you are young and your parents say "I'll give you a reason to cry"). In the end it could not have worked out more perfectly, everything was fixed in time, and I still got the important stuff I needed to do done, which caused me to have more faith in God to take care of my issues big and small.


Needless to say, when I go on my road trip less than 2 weeks from now, I will not be asking God for ANYTHING.  I'm just gonna thank Him for keeping me safe and giving me an amazing day at the end of every night and promise Him I will start asking for things again when I get back. (I can't wait to see the grab bag of tricks He has up His sleeve for my return...I assume giving God a month to "think" is much like giving a 2 year old a crayon and sticking him in an empty white walled room). :)

I don't know how you see your God...I tend to see him a little different from the norm (and by norm I mean there is none...god as a norm is only relative to what your norm was growing up or at least that's how I see it). The thing about the God I know is that he gives you what you ask for...but he's a super smart ass about it...but only cuz he really loves us. (Kinda like how you only can crack jokes on the ones that are closest to you).  I guess He knows that a hard headed person like myself can only learn lessons that stick through trials. He's like..."Oh goodie! Glori wants to pray more. I'll help her with that!  A little car trouble here, a bunch of things to juggle there...she will pray. And she wants patience to deal with the wait.  Oh boy!  Well I'll give her a reason to be have more patience and just make her wait longer. But being that I'm a good God and want the best for her...I'm gonna give her what she is seeking and more. Prayer, patience, and an increase in her faith to remind her again that I have it under control, all things great and small. My ways and timing are impeccable."

Love, Logic, and the Like

Where is the balance between love and logic in relation to finding that special person? For so many years I was this person...trying desperately to control my emotions...I used logic for everything. Sure I didn't have a problem being in love with a couple people throughout my life, but never did I ever think they were the one. Even if they were I would have never found out because of two reasons...because I couldn't love myself (which is conclusion after a long and detailed set of reasons why), and because I completely had thrown away my feelings and emotions after so many years of relying on logic. Then through a series of unfortunate circumstances I lost my best friend in a sense. Someone I could always count on, someone that understood me, someone I would have in an instant gave my life for, someone I put all my hope and faith in. And then my world I had built everything on came crashing down. Nothing made me feel better...I couldn't even feel anything anymore. Then someone pointed out to me that emotions are not something to hide, and that they are there for a reason...many reasons in fact (indicators, as a release, etc.). And I realized that through my life's path of being so logical and prepared for most anything that I had also lost all my feelings trying to save myself and protect my heart. So after this realization I decided to start feeling. If I was angry, sad, upset, happy, etc I was gonna let it run it's course and realize that everything is just a season. A couple years later and this all in full practice, I was on my way to living my life not worried about the who's and when's and bumped into my first and thus far only true love. I was a whole person and gave my heart up in it's fullest for the first time romantically ever. The only problem was he was where I was before I chose to start feeling again and I couldn't make him see that (which is how it always goes...you rarely ever take the advice from the one's that care about you most especially when you are invested in the other person...we gotta figure it out on our own). Bottom line is we weren't on the same page and could not see eye to eye until that happened. If I had sucked it up we might still be together...but the thoughts of all the phone calls from unhappily married friends, and the images from my parents lives played back, and I did not want to be stuck in a relationship knowing it could be better. So I chose to let go of what was in my hand for something that I knew could be better. I let love go...because it takes more than just that to make a relationship work. There were an onslaught of emotions for many months to follow...but I let it run it's course...and in a strange way by doing this I eventually healed. And now on the other side of that fence it's no mistaking that love is a terrible thing to have to give up. (I'd like to take this moment and apologize to all those I've coldly moved on from...I would never wish that pain on anyone). Cuz what I didn't realize is when you love fully you literally give your heart away...so if it doesn't work out, you never truly feel like yourself. It's almost like you can never be the same person again. You have to reinvent who you are. Would I change my decision? Never. Because all this is the epitome of the point I have been trying to reach...having the balance between love, and logic is the only way to be a healthy person. And you have to have something healthy to begin with in order to be able to give the forever love a chance.

God's Cock Blocking Me

Seriously...is it wrong of me to say that? Cuz that's really what it's seeming like now a days. God is pulling the good ol' fashioned cock block on me. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing...I think he's got a plan and is weeding out all the dumb ass guys there are out there but only now he's doing it in record speed. Not like the old days where he would let me test the waters for a few months before finding out that a guy was completely useless and things weren't gonna work. Maybe God finally caught up with the times and updated his angels from messenger birds to the internet so it no longer takes 3 months for a message to travel to them to sabotage it all before I do it myself and get stuck in some relationship that's no good for me. I don't know what it is...but it seems like I keep running into boys trapped in men bodies...the kind who have no respect or balls or sense of responsibility anymore. Is it a picture of the state of the world and where it's headed? Is it poor upbringing? Is it something I'm doing that attracts every single wrong fella there is out there? I guess I'll never know for sure. But one thing is for sure...it seems God wants to keep me single for a very long time.
I think God should have a suggestion box...I would write to him as follows: "Dear God, Do you think we can change this whole aging process up a bit? Maybe only allow people to look the age that they truly act so us women can see from a distance what we are dealing with without having to go through the hassle?"
I assume God's response would be something like:
"Yo! I got this! I know what I'm doing. Sorry I slacked off and made guys on the last day. I was a bit tired after creating the whole rest of the world you know...and I guess I could have added that in there. But I did see that later on and after I was rested, I came back in with a fresh outlook and created woman to deal and understand such beings I call man."
"Thanks God, thanks! (SMH yet smiling)...You're good you."

The Brick Theory AKA House of Cards

So...the long awaited brick theory is here. In fact, the wait was so long that I have updated the theory's name to "house of cards" cuz it's a much better fit. This is how it started for me. So I was sitting around debating in my mind where we all came from and how this whole world came to be. I grew up Christian so naturally Creationism was what I was taught, so that's what I believed for many years...once I got old enough, logic took over my brain and suddenly believing because someone said so with no reasoning was no longer an option. Things had to logically made sense before I agreed to sign up for them. Obviously the two major theories taught are Creationism and Big Bang (which is an awesome show by the way)/Evolution. I researched and rolled around pros and cons of both and where science fails and how neither can scientifically be proven. In the end, the way I chose to believe is the way I was brought up. When all is said and done...neither Big Bang nor Creationism can be proven hands down. So no points there. Because I've never seen anything explode and create life or anything but a big pile of rubble, I have to at this point rule that out entirely. Not to mention the law that matter can neither be created or destroyed...stating basically something can not come from nothing. Creationism is the only start that is still plausible to me, because a higher being would be above all laws and be able to create something from nothing, because he created the laws.  I can neither disprove nor affirm this...but the fact remains that it is still a possibility. So at least it's still on the board...and in all truth and honesty everything is so amazing and complex and we are still trying to figure it all out that to me I have to believe that there is something bigger and better and more intelligent...because if the world relied on anything/anyone else to have that much creativity and smarts...I think we'd be waiting a long time. Plus it's nice to think that there is still a reason that we matter.  Hope and purpose in humans go a long way.  Getting back on track...with the theory of evolution...I half agree and half don't. I totally understand evolution within a species because we see it every day. There are dominant and recessive genes. Those that are dominant will generally show, lessening the possibilities of the recessive throughout the generations. For example how people are in general taller, or have darker features now a days...or at least in the melting pot we call America. But on the other hand never have I ever seen first hand a species evolve into another species. If it were a possibility, then it should still be going on to this day. In my right mind, I think at least one animal should be mid stage making it's journey to becoming another species because it's too hot or cold or sunny or they no longer have access to their legs or whatever the stimuli. I guess you could call me a doubting Thomas...but I'm just not into believing what people are telling me unless I see, or feel it for myself...because only then is it real to me. I mean the majority believed the world was flat at some point! It's really not hard to sell something to the general public if you have a convincing argument...even without proof...cuz most people don't have the time or care enough to research anyway.
Anyway...summing this all up and moving to the actual point of this blog...so I have my reasons why I believe what I do now that I'm an adult. But I find that it is very hard for most people to stray from how they were taught as children. And it made me start to think about why that is. And that is when I came up with the house of cards theory. Think of it simply. Can you imagine if your whole life you were told the sky is green...everyone in your school and community thought it was green...it was green as far as you knew.  Then 20 or so years later someone tried to tell you your entire town, friends and family were wrong and it was actually blue? You'd think they were crazy. I bet you wouldn't even think twice about it. But what if you somehow found out they were telling the truth? What else would need to change that you had based on this "fact"? What other things would you start questioning? And that is only a simple example. Now try and think of it on a bigger scale in regards to our core thoughts and beliefs.  We are taught the laws and boundaries of life when we are young. How to act, speak, believe, take care of ourselves, ways to treat people, etc...these things are like the bottom row of cards in a house of cards. We don't question them, and we eventually grow to build beliefs and actions and ways of life upon that which we were taught. This ends up being the subsequent rows building on top of the bottom row of a house of cards. If for some reason that bottom row is challenged we'd put up our best defenses, because the whole house is coming down if not. This is why I think it's hard for people to let go of what they were taught in their youth. When we reevaluate our beliefs, it creates fear and uncertainty because if that bottom row of cards is wrong then everything we built them on is as well...and it all collapses. Then you have to start over...and no one likes starting over. This concludes the long awaited brick theory aka house of cards. Hope it was worth the wait. :)

The True Pot Head Detector Test

After years of hands on research, and dating pot heads for science...I have finally come up with the True Pot Head Detector Test. (Not to belabor the point but I completely forgot about this test I came up with until the other day when I was talking to a random stranger who was interested in me, but mentioned they smoked, and I kindly declined them because of it. Then said stranger immediately went on the defense (as they all do cuz they've gotta stand behind, defend, and justify their illegal drug use)..."your judging me without knowing me"...and "you just don't like it cuz it's illegal"...and all those fancy goodies you get when you tell a pot head you don't date...well...pot heads. Not one of them actually heard me out long enough for me to tell them the real reasons why I came up with that decision or to tell them about my years of hands on research I've done on the subject. I guarantee no one would argue if I said "I'm sorry but I don't date rapists, murderers, heroin addicts, child molesters, people that are super obese, or old enough to be my father, or have children and said mother is not dead or in jail for life, etc.....ok, ok...maybe I'd get an argument or two about the last few...the list goes on too...but bottom line that's the truth...and I have my reasons why. Though I really don't understand why it bothers someone that much. Shouldn't they be elated with my list, because with it, that means that there are more of them out there for them to choose from? Lol)

Anyway...without further adieu...

*The True Pot Head Detector Test*

Step 1: Tell them that you agree with the government that pot should be illegal.

Step 2: Step back and listen to suspect rant about how if alcohol is legal, pot should be as well. Maybe even get to hear the stats on deaths caused by pot heads as opposed to alcoholics. And, if you're lucky enough, you might even get to hear the argument between cigarettes and pot and how pot is healthier for you.

After administering test:

-If you heard all 3 of the above statements, ladies and gentleman, you can bet money that your suspect is a pot head. Not only that, but you can pretty much bet that they are currently high, have pot on them, and chances are, they are on their way to sell some of it to the local kid down the road who will pay some exorbitant price for it cuz he/she doesn't know any better.

-If you heard 2 of the above statements, you can be sure your suspect is a pot head and has probably already smoked 2 times within the hour before you even got to them. (In fact if you pay close attention they might even be smoking it right now...)

-If you heard 1 of the above statements, your suspect is a pot head but will probably never admit to it as they are in denial.

-If you have not heard any of the above statements from suspect, chances are you do not have a pot head on your hands...or you do and they just smoked themselves too retarded to think. Lol

Disclaimer: I really don't care if pot is legal or not...in my opinion it's just as dangerous as alcohol and cigarettes. And by dangerous I mean they all are a way to escape. And don't get me wrong...escaping is needed every once in a while...but when you need it every day, then there is an issue, because at what point do you actually have time to solve the problems or issues that you are escaping from? When do you actually take a hold of your life and live it, as opposed to letting your issues take a hold of you and escaping life instead?

It's Gonna Punch You Straight in the Baby Maker

I'm not really sure how it happened...but it seems as soon as I turned 30 life wanted to start a new era whether I approved of it or not. I don't know if there is a ticking time bomb that only activates when you turn 30, but whatever I choose to accredit it too (depending on the day and circumstance) it is there, and it's activated, and not gonna lie...it's kind of unrelenting. I don't want to drink or smoke or even wake up next to someone I don't love...what's wrong with this picture? I'm really finding no pleasure in these things...and it all happened out of no where. I would liken to assume that some people would say it's depression...but that would mean I find pleasure in nothing...which is false. So that can't be it. (On a side note: Aren't those things signs of a sort of depression...blocking the world out by numbing so to speak?) It just completely stumps me that no matter how many years I've tried to stop these bad habits and tried consciously choosing to do alternative things to trick myself into not wanting to do them (and failed most often miserably enough to render me to have plenty of stories of the dumb things I've done to pass onto posterity sake when I'm old and wrinkly), I've always had the urge to get into trouble and be a little on the wild side. Had I been privy to this information it would have made much more sense to indulge myself until the time bomb so chose to activate.
I feel like one day I woke up and started caring about everything. I'm finding myself valuing completely different things and not having as much fun with the old stuff. I'm finding it's more satisfying doing things like going to yard sales, cleaning my house, reading a good book, reminiscing, writing, listening/playing music, spending time with people that make me laugh until my stomach muscles hurt the next day like I did an insanity an work out, and just actually caring enough to remember and live my life. It's like someone flicked the switch and put me in Suzie homemaker mode even though I have no reason to be in it. No one warns you about this...I guess cuz "they" knew we would have probably partied harder (if that's humanly possible) if we knew there was an end to the madness at an undisclosed time. Logically I can only assume this experience is what people refer to as the biological clock and what I will lovingly will refer to as the decade that punched me straight in the baby maker.

For Every Action There Are Two Preparations?

I know! I know! That's not how the saying goes! I'm lucky Newton doesn't come straight out of the grave and hunt me down with a barrage of apples...so out of respect for the late smart guy I shall state his 3rd law of motion correctly, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". But that's not what we are talking about today...so, now that that's out of the way...on to the heart of my rambling.
I started reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" from where I left off months ago (yeah...sometimes life gets busy), and in the book the author mentioned about how a carpenter's motto is "measure twice, cut once". I found this super enlightening when I looked at that statement across the board as it correlated to my life in different areas, and found how simple yet profound that little motto could be. Those things that I gave proper time to, thought about prior, double checked, etc. are usually the ones I excelled at...whereas, the things I don't visualize or think through first are usually the ones I find myself repeating, fixing, or redoing. For example...I always double check cars coming both ways before making a turn and never just rely on mirrors. I prevented countless accidents with the "double check" (though it only works when you are the one doing the "double checking" and in no way prevents people from "single checking" and pulling out right in front of you) which is probably why I hold the record for longest run of having no points on a license for a girl that is never home and rarely sits still and can think of many situations where she has pushed the envelope in motorized vehicles. I use the "double check" in many other daily tasks like math problems, setting my alarm, checking someone's name before I send a text message, and any writings I do (though sometimes I get a little carried away and might bust out the "triple" or "quad check" for some instances). Funny enough for many years I never followed the ACTUAL carpenter's motto when measuring, leveling, and cutting wood (thanks to my dad for eventually making me see the light)...but applied it in almost all other situations like it was my job. (Again completely being misdiagnosed as far sighted as stated in earlier blogs.)
Anyway...I was thinking how amazing it would be if people would use that theory in every day life for things like their words and actions...hence my theory would go like this..."for every action there are two preparations". I think if people would take the time to think about what they are saying/doing it would house the potential to avoid many regrets and create a sense of ownership of one's actions and words. This would remind people that they have the ability to choose how they react and who they become. Obviously not everything can be prevented, however, just caring enough to put in a little extra effort always goes a long way for you and the other parties involved.

PS: Sorry again Newton ('cause I feel after this post we would be on a last name basis) for mangling your theory.
PPS: If it's any consolation, I still think your theory is better!

Dear God I Should Have Been a Hippie Minus the Drugs and Smelly Non-Showering Stuff Rant

You try and tell me we are not all connected as people. From birth we by instinct copy what we are shown and see. Parents directly affect their kids behaviors. We learn from others around us...our actions are affected by what others do. Our likes and dislikes and fears and strengths are all connected to who we know and who we come in contact with and what we are taught. The beauty in this, is that we are all connected. I can hurt when you are hurting and care about things you care about and laugh when you are happy, or be strong when you are weak. On the other hand there is great disappointment when we never grow up from basing our lives on other people. Maturing means realizing that we are all connected, but understanding that the power lies in ourselves to choose who we are. Though we by nature follow what we have been taught and what we see, we do not have to stay this way...we choose to. Too many times people never actually get to that next step which in essence is taking responsibility for your own actions and instead blame everything on everyone else. It just irks me how people try to be independent and do things on their own...when we as people are not made to live that way...we want to be a part of something and share in people's lives and learn from each other...it's our human nature and is healthy but yet we blame everyone else for what we do. It makes no sense! Somewhere along the line we lose that good connection (due to hurts, etc.) and thus get so self involved making us reactive to our surroundings and forget that when we become adults, our lives and how we react is in our own hands as you are the only one that wakes up and chooses who you are each and every day. No one can control you unless you give them the power to. And once you understand that you control who you are, do me a favor and stop and realize that there are millions of other people still stuck in reactive mode in which your actions are affecting them and maybe take the higher road even when it's undeserved because you were once there too. I have officially changed my name after this post to be more in tune with the flower children. You can now all start calling me Morning Glori.

Reflections From Last Night

Warning: longest post ever.
Disclaimer: Definitely a good read for your lunch break. I would never suggest you take a 1/2 hr. from your paid work day to read, comment, and be unproductive. (Though of course that is exactly what I was doing while writing this post at work)
Onto the madness I call Reflections from Last Night.
 -German food though made primarily to give you energy to work out in the fields (thanks Frank) does not soak up all the alcohol you can consume as once thought.
 -I cannot speak German. In fact, if I went to Germany they would probably stone me on their wall for butchering their language and making up words that end in "itzel".
-Germans like dolls...the creepier the better. If they resemble real children they will put them in a high chair and leave them in the bathroom stall to stare at you...much like they do to their real children.
-Don't ever promise to pick up a friend for work on time and then proceed to go drinking till 1:30 in the morning. Always a bad idea. Thank God I had enough forethought to know I was drinking and would forget the entire conversation I had with said friend, and reminded Siri to remind me to pick up her up in the morning.
-I apparently was way less sober than originally thought last night because I woke up this morning, thought it was Saturday and proceeded to reset my alarm for later without thinking twice and went back to bed. Now if anyone really knows me, they know I am not a snoozer and leave myself just enough time to wake up, shower, and go...in fact, I put my alarm on the other side of the room, so I have to physically get up to shut it off for the sole fact that I won't accidentally snooze...so it's not even fathomable why I would zombie walk over to shut off my alarm, reset it, and commence sleeping. Thanking Sio right now for her random 7:35am call with a story which woke me up enough to realize that it was actually a work day and I could not sleep in. -I now realize why God made me short. Because apparently I have a habit of picking up people that are shorter than me and using them to aide me in doing things...like kicking open a bathroom door. If I were taller and the percentage of people that were shorter than me was increased, I might be in jail for things like midget tossing, or using someone as my own personal extension ladder to dust the fan blades, get that cup from the top shelf, or wipe the unreachable top of the window...and I could see at least one of the above going horribly wrong and ending in death for said short person.
-Strawberry rhubarb muffins taste just as good if not better the next morning after they sit in your car (which was pointed out to smell like booze by earlier stated friend that needed to be picked up for work) all night. -The accent I revert to when texting intoxicated is Australian, love.
 -I have done the research and confirmed it this morning that I can eat 1/2 a box of sugar cereal in one sitting, which is why I don't ever buy them...and this is hereditary as my father used to eat his cereal out of pots while sitting on the couch...no I'm not kidding.
This concludes my Reflections from Last Night. Thanks to all that made this possible.

History Channel's Next Big Special

I just heard someone say "my kid watches way too much tv" and it made me sad. What kinda childhood are kids nowadays gonna have to look back at and remember anymore? My childhood consisted of things like trying to start fires unsuccessfully, making witches potions out of berries, camping in the backyard, climbing trees and bus rooftops and jumping off of them into huge piles of snow, saving beetles, making up games with kickballs, flour fights in the kitchen and powder fights in the bedroom, making up musicals and performing them and charging the neighbors (lemonade stands are for amateurs), making prank calls and sometimes calling the police on accident, driving kiddie tractors down the crazy lady's hill and trying not to get caught, hockey in basements, 10-20, pretending to be radio show hosts, near death experiences of being almost swallowed by the creepy swamp mud or attempting to jump creeks unsuccessfully, biking all around creation, putting on duo stunt shows, running away from Jurassic park and Dr. Kelly, stealing change to go to the flower shop and the quick stop, flipping over the bars behind church signs, transforming the kitchen into a breakfast cafe complete with flipping pancakes to the ceiling, tons of puddle jumping, digging for earthworms, around the world, hiding in cubbie holes as feivel was a bad baby, writing our own sitcoms and comedy shows, and all filled with so much laughing, fun, and creativity that I can't even imagine wanting to turn on the tv. Thank you to all my friends that were a part of my awesome childhood. Here's to keeping it alive and passing it down.  I don't want the History Channel to have to do a special called Creative Childhoods of the 80's for us to remember this stuff.

Reeling Back in From Uncharted Territory

So I’m really beginning to love sleeping. So much in fact that if anyone asks me what my favorite activity is at this moment in time, I would have to say hands down…sleeping. Not only do I get the best ideas and realizations of things right before I drift off to sleep (this also happens in the shower if you’ve read any of my earlier posts), but best of all…I get to dream. Thus far in the past week I’ve rescued a homeless puppy and in turn found a new friend/pet; I’ve wrestled with wolves twice, won, and saved my townspeople; and last night I was in some kind of Mario tree top land in the clouds, took an elevator up through the unfinished roof of a building (because of course the elevator said 100 floors when they only had 66 of them completed), shot into the sky, came plummeting down like I was sky diving, and landed onto a rooftop flat on my back, unscathed. You can’t do those things in real life (except maybe the rescue the homeless puppy…but they are never as cute as the one in my dream). Lol But if I believe I can fly in my dreams…by George, I’m gonna go ahead and do it. Which very roughly leads me to my point of discussion today...
My friend and I were discussing the topic of why do we believe what we believe, and he asked me to post it up and see what people had to say. At first, I thought it was a simple question and I answered for myself “cuz it’s logical, has been tested, and is the truth as I see it at the moment…because it’s good for myself and everyone universally.” But then he explained more.
He said “Yes, that is the way it is for you. But people have different motivations for believing in certain things, and I think it’s important to evaluate our motivations and the why’s of the beliefs we subscribe to…because our thoughts dictate our beliefs, and our beliefs dictate our behavior.”
Then I was thinking about it all together and dreaming seems so easy…you believe…then you do it…no questions asked. When you stop and think about it, I find life is much the same way. What we actually believe, we show in our actions…no matter what we say we believe, our actions will always speak what we have built the bricks of our life on and thus actually believe. (Side note: stay tuned for my brick theory in an upcoming post). But how often do we analyze what we say/think we believe and how our actions match up to that? I think we’ll all find that we have been telling ourselves things for years that we don't truly believe. So take a moment and stop and think about what you actually believe about this life and how it works and why you actually believe those things. I’m curious to see the different responses and if they are any different than what you thought they would be. :)

Shower Realization Part Deux

Shower realization part 2: (ok I'm lying...I didn't realize this in the shower.) Just thinking how nice it would be to be at a place with everyone that we could be 100 % honest and not prejudge the reaction we think we are going to get from someone when the full truth is told. By not speaking the full truth, we never allow ourselves a clear conscience and develop habits in the wrong direction. Where then is the common line where we don't lie? Also this never allows the other person an opportunity or proper chance/choice to react, stealing from their own possible growth, and possible growth and bond between you and that person's relationship. Truth, even when it hurts, makes relationships stronger when it involves healthy/mature people. It is not easy as it sounds as habits are formed over a long time, but I can promise the more you challenge yourself, the easier it will become. I'm certainly not judging anyone, just stating some things to remind us all to think before we speak as that's what happens to be in the playground of my mind today. Plus I've gotta write down things while I can when I'm in thinky mode. Only happens so often. It just irks me so, when people omit things and bend the truth to avoid hurting others feelings. I get why they do it...I mean it's much easier to avoid admitting faults and hurting someone you care about especially when it's something so seemingly insignificant. And in all honesty, we all do it from time to time. Sometimes because we care about someone immensely and don't want to hurt them (but we all know the truth has a way of being found out), sometimes because we are weak, and still sometimes because we believe that many people are too immature to hear the truth. But it shouldn't be up to you or I to judge that. Instead shouldn't it be our responsibility to tell the truth and give that person the choice on how to take it? Then you are free and clear because the truth will always be the truth and there can be no argument about it. Then feelings are allowed to be truly what they are. Thus truth begets truth, and contrarily lies beget lies. Thoughts?

Shower Realization Part 1

So I'm in the shower this morning and I had another fancy realization of mine. (I don't know why I always have these epiphany's in the shower...maybe the sound of water is relaxing, or it's cuz there's no distractions and I can be alone with my thoughts...who knows! Maybe I'll have a realization of why my realizations are always in the shower but until then onto my point.) So I'm standing there thinking, you know how when you break up with someone, usually the first thing out of people's mouth's is you deserve better...blah blah blah...and the other person's friends are most likely telling them the same thing. Well...I realized that we are all missing the point about relationship. Love is not about what someone deserves...it's more about what someone doesn't deserve...that's when you can prove it's existence in action. Love is not ever going to be an equal effort action. It wasn't made to be that way. We should stop trying to force it to fit into a box it wasn't meant to fit in. The premise and purest form of love is unconditional. I often wondered how someone could love someone else that didn't love them back...but in all honesty, it's because that person actually loved them. So when I start thinking about relationships and love in an aspect of what I deserve and what my actions should be to reciprocate a good or bad action done to me, I'm going to stop and remember that that's not what love is actually about. Instead I'm gonna throw my arms open wide and love the amazingness and the flaws that make up and come with that person regardless of what I or they deserve...cuz that's what real love's all about. ;) There's more to this realization but I'll spare your eyeballs and brain for a bit and maybe bring it out in a shower realization part 2. Lol

Showing My Age

Good morning! I just heard the news radio do an entire piece on teen sexting, straight faced. (Well I can't actually confirm it was straight faced...as it was...well radio...but they certainly were able to control their voice inflections.)  I would not be able to hold it together had I been that reporter. Sexting...it just sounds wrong and embarrassing. Can you imagine being 13 and your parents asking you if you've been sexting lately? Or your grandma using it in a casual conversation around the dinner table? "Oh those tweens and their sexting...when I was their age I walked 10 miles in the snow uphill both ways to get a glimpse of that Harold boy next door."  Why do I feel like that reporter drew the short end of the stick, similar to being chosen to report on a cat fashion show (poor Veronica Corningstone). Does anyone else find this word hilarious, or am I just being a giggly child?

European Clowns

I hate shopping...with a passion. Since when did women's running shoes turn into a mix of shiny fluorescent 80's colors that don't match??? They all look like shoes for clowns! I seriously thought the fluorescent fad would be on the out by now! I asked the shoe dude at Dick's and he said it's the European style. Last I checked I'm American and live in America. I literally could not find one normal color shoe. After an hour of literally opening every shoe box there was in the store I was delirious and nearly just bought something so I could get the h-e-double hockey sticks outta there and never look at shoes again. But somehow I had a brief moment of sanity and was able to pull it together long enough to leave without some crazy blast from the past English clown shoes. That was a close one and tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll be able to find a store that sells shoes in normal boring colors and rely on my personality to be all the color in my life I need. And if not...I'm gonna open a sneaker store called Personality...and the slogan will be "If you don't have any, you better shop at Dick's where your shoes will do all the talking".

My New Address: Psych Ward Unit #425 Ewing, NJ

Ok...I'm seriously considering looking into working on a cruise ship. I knew I hated my job...but God how much do I hate it all the more now that I'm back from vacation. I seriously forgot what it was like to be around people that were genuinely happy and loved their jobs! I forgot how natural beauty and warmth and water is an instant cure all for me. I forgot what it was like to be my goofy self and to completely enjoy every second and just be, and be happy. Hmmm...service industry...looking better and better the more I think about it. Who said the cubicle 9-5 was where it's at! Corporate America was a trick developed to make us all think that climbing that ladder would give you any satisfaction but was seriously created to dumb us down in my opinion. I just gotta get out! And on a side note, I love that my HR department is a visage for "complaint department that does not work for the people and just covers things up and does nothing about anything".  How many people have to have strokes, be out on stress leaves, openly say they want to kill the boss, get yelled at, quit, retire, and cry before they get that maybe not our entire dept is crazy but it's the new boss lady making us all want to jump in front of a moving train! I feel like I live in a world that makes no sense and everyone is completely content taking it up the rear and pretending it's not happening. Feel like I'm going crazy...when in fact, I think it's everyone else that is. Phew! Ok that felt good.

I Think My Dr. Was Wrong When He Said I Was Near-Sighted

Three things:

First, there is nothing like realizing that what you want was really there the whole time but you were just too silly to realize it. Take for instance my MP3 windshield mount holder thingy. For it's entire existence in my car, I have wished it had a bottom ledge so the mp3 player could rest on it. For the past 6 months, I have been dodging my mp3 player whenever I go over a big bump and the thing inconveniently slides out of the holder and flies across the dash to attack me, and squeezing the life out of the holder to desperately have it stay in place. Imagine my surprise when I dodge the dashboard bullet this morning and flip the holder over and see that there are two swivel bars attached to the bottom neatly tucked away, meant to be used as a bottom ledge to rest the mp3 player. SMH

Second, and completely unrelated, I started watching this documentary called Love directed by Gary Null on Netflix about love, in honor of the hallmark holiday, thinking that it would be super cheesy, but found it is actually really good and can think of quite a few people that could benefit from listening and applying the thought processes expressed, to themselves and their lives. I highly recommend everyone to watch it if you get the chance (especially dudes).

And last but not least, I just wanna say thank you Facebook for changing the character limit allowed for posts to something ginormous (Side note: This word is actually included in the Miriam Webster dictionary  and spell check now....Miriam says it was first coined in 1948 but I this it's all a tall tale and we owe it to the Burger King commercial). This allows me to babble til my heart's content, sort of like my own personal blog, but without experiencing the rejection of no one actually reading it. :) END TRANSMISSION.

Uncommon From the Outside

Last night reminded me of how lucky I am to know so many amazing people with genuinely good hearts that I can just sit down and be 100% honest with and hold nothing back. At a point, I sat back and watched everyone and their vast differences and marveled at how we all could get along so well. But I realized it's not when we act, or what we do or like that defines who we are, it's that we all share something in common. We all have the same heart...loyalty, welcoming, understanding, and openness, in common. That love and brutal honesty is what brought us together and is the glue that keeps us together. Such a huge key in any kind of relationship...at least the lasting kind. Last night made me realize that no matter if I have the life of my dreams or end up being 70 sitting on my porch with 19 dogs, everything is gonna be just fine as it's not about what you have, it's about who you have. And I wouldn't trade you all for anything in the world.

By the Way I'm a Black Belt

Dear Life,

Are we seriously doing this again? Is it that time to throw everything you have at me and see if I survive it AGAIN? Well, (brushes off shoulders and proceeds to walk towards the battle we call Life) I have news for you sir, I will! And I'll do it with my hands tied behind my back and a smile on my face. Bring it!

Glori (Black Belt in Life)

Our Greatest Potential Can Not Be Reached Alone

If we were meant to live life alone, why on earth would what other people do and say affect people so much, why would it hurt so much to lose someone you love, or suck when best friends move away, or even more simply why would we have pets? Just all the more proof that we were meant/made to live life together in companionship...it makes sense no other way.

The Sleep Fairy is No Longer Getting a Christmas Card

Ok...wide awake at 5 am.  something is wrong with this picture. Is this what happens when you don't go out and drink on a Friday and Saturday night??? The sleep fairy f*cks you and basically says "you don't get any fairy dust to help you sleep tonight...you don't need it like all the other drunk bastards or functioning alcoholics do!".  Well sleep fairy...you are no longer on my Christmas card list...hope you're happy.