Though Depression goes DEEP, PRESS ON.

Look what I found!  Here's another old blog from last year that I never finished. I guess fittingly when depressed there are a bunch of things you start but never really feel like finishing.  Being that I'm taking the time to finish them now, I guess that means I'm finally over that hump and back to myself and living and loving life. Sayonara depression, you life sucker! So good news to anyone stuck in that rut, here's a little bit of hope that eventually things do change and get better.  So press on. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. As the country song says, "If you're going through hell, keep on moving.  Don't slow down.  If you're scared don't show it.  You might get out before the devil even knows you're there." So without further adieu, here is the post I never finished...

So it's been almost a week I've been in shut down mode. I'm purposefully not getting back to people that call, not doing any physical activity, kind of just making it by.  I've even resorted to taking up video gaming. Anything to keep my mind busy with minimal effort and emotional expense. To put it lightly, I'm on a steady diet of sappy movies, tears, and lots of sleep. I don't feel like myself and it's beginning to show. Some would call it mild depression. I think it's nearing pretty severe for a person like me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jump off the bridge status or anything, and I'm still able to take care of my responsibilities, but it's a daily motivation battle for sure and that's just to get out of bed. I'm sad most of the time and just want to be alone. Completely opposite end of the scale for normal me.

After watching Benny and Joon, which was my emo movie choice for this night, it really got me thinking about mental issues. It could have also been a mix of need related phone-a-friend calls from everyone who wanted problems solved this week too, but whatever the case, the movie hit me hard. Some days I really wish I could just check myself in, just to check out of life for a while. I'm tired of being strong.

Basically, what this week of solitude has shown me is I'm getting really tired of making executive decisions on a minimum wage per hour life. Why is it that people put the burden on others to make their own tough calls? Who do I get to call when I just don't want to figure out my own problems? (Tick tock tick tock). As I thought. No one! I rely on my own problem solving skills. I must preface this all by stating there is a definitive difference between calling a friend for advice, and expecting your friend to fix the problem for you. You know, all these years I felt lucky I didn't end up having a mental disease with my family history and can think reasonably and am proud of the way I see the world. I used to think the future is my own to create, and no one could drag me down unless I allowed them to. I would always keep on keeping on and find a silver lining no matter if I was the last person standing on earth. (I certainly would be making a Wilson though for some company.) I felt free because I relied on no one but me and God, and of course a daily dose of puppy kisses. 

Lately I've been wondering however, am I really free? I certainly don't feel like it. I feel like the world rests on my shoulders more days than not. I have all these people in my life that look to me to make the tough calls or to fix things. It's rather exhausting at times. For example, the past couple days consisted of calling the cops on my brother, refusing to bail out the man I love from jail, deciding to take a chance on some ex drug abusing roommates, breaking into someone's garage to get a girls stuff the evil people were holding hostage...and a slew of other ridiculous things that I feel shouldn't happen over the course of a month in any normal person's life, let alone in a few days span of my life. Going back a month or so or even to the beginning of the year...I don't think it's even fathomable to recount the issues placed on my plate. 

I guess most of my full plate I do to myself in reality. I always choose to see the good in people and want to help better a situation no matter what the cost it seems.  Some days I feel like I see things as they could be and not how they are. It's as if I can see a person's heart and there are a 100 strands coming off of that heart. Each one being life's road they could take. Off that road are many turns, each one a choice. Some good, some bad.  Some of those turns lead to other roads with no return. Some of those turns take you on a longer detour to where you need to be. I always see the road with good choices and clear thinking and what that means a life could look like even though that is not the current reality. Being honest though, most times that is not the road we end up on anyway. There are too many possibilities and decisions to be made and we are not perfect people. Contrarily, I feel like most people see the way a person is now and see the road that their current choices will lead them down and many times write that person off. This is ever apparent to me in conversations I have with people when I get the question of why I help all these seemingly lost people and take chances that many times blow up in my face. To me it's simple. I have this undying hope that people can change. If there is a will there is a way. It's about giving hope and having that person find the will. Anything is possible, though many times isn't probable. I'm not naive. I'm making a choice to do things against the norm which quite honestly hasn't gotten our civilization to a place we are proud of. I can't help but think, if not me, then who? Who will believe in them or encourage them or possibly shine the light on a road they have long forgotten about? What if a little hope or love is all that stands in the way of that person choosing to divert to a better course?  I've seen it time and time again, how one instance changes a person's life.  So if there is a possibility that you could be a key to that change...why not try for what is possible? Just like Jim Carrey states in Dumb and Dumber, "So you're saying there's a chance!"  We have to keep our eyes on what is possible, even while acknowledging the probable.  

What's important is to never give up hope that things/people can change. To me acting in such a way is a higher purpose than worrying about how it affects my life to help these people. I have the luxury of not having a family or little ones running around that I need to invest time in, so I have the time for the people that need it. The only people that literally depend on me for their daily survival are not people at all...just my 4 legged kids. We all have been blessed with certain resources and abilities and one of my gifts is time and this undying love for people to be free. We all make choices where we invest what we have been given and I find that hopefully being a stepping stone of change in someone's life, if they so choose, is worth the risk. 

Another thing I realized recently is this.  Things that we are passionate about, we don't fear.  This came together in my head when I was talking to a photographer friend who had just headed out to Trenton to cover a police shooting.  I was about to ask him if he was ever scared or thought about the danger of putting himself in compromising situations to take photos.  Then I stopped myself because I knew the answer.  I was just relatively asked this same question by someone a couple days prior.  That person asked me if I was ever scared to live with and rent rooms out to complete strangers and some knowingly ex drug addicts, or ex convicts, or homeless, or coming from rough situations.  Without hesitation or thought I answered, "No I'm not scared at all. I know a God who takes care of me."  That was when I realized this, when people are passionate about something there is no fear...not of death or danger or failure or being hurt or anything...because nothing comes before or can stand in the way of what drives you.  Fear does not stand a chance against real love even if that love is for something and not a person.  Just as my photographer friend thinks not of the danger surrounding his job, or a vet doesn't pay mind to the price he/she could pay to protect countless lives, or a skydiver doesn't fear death when jumping out of a plane, or a mother/father wouldn't think twice about putting their their life on the line for their children, is how I feel about loving other people.

Back to my original thought though, being this way can sometimes take it's toll. Sometimes we just have to know when to call it quits and pull back for a bit and deal with our own selves. For me that is the hardest part. Knowing how quickly life can change by a moment's decision, or an extended hand pressing me on to give more, pushes me farther  than I probably should go at times.  However I always make it through even when stretched farther than I have ever been before, so maybe I'm doing exactly what I should be. I figure God has his ways of slowing us down when we need to rest. All I have to do is go with His flow. 

Summing this all up. One thing that has always stuck with me, is this truth...the moment you feel like you can't take it anymore could be the moment before your breakthrough, so never quit until you get what you are seeking. If you give up, you will never see your perseverance and hard work come to fruition and all that tough stuff won't amount to anything. There is an ebb and flow to life. If you are on cloud nine, you will eventually have dark skies roll through. If you are getting poured on and are looking for some sun, know it's on its way. It's not a question whether things will change, because they will. The question is are you brave enough to weather the storm and come out on the other side.