The Sunshine State

What is it about nice weather that makes me want to blast the tunes, roll down the windows, drive really fast, and sing at the top of my lungs like it's the greatest day on the face of the planet?  Days like these I feel like I don't need anything more than the simple things in life.  I often wonder if I would be perpetually happy if I lived somewhere where it was warm and sunny year round, or if it's actually the absence of sun all winter that makes it so much more enjoyable when it comes back.  I'd like to believe it's the 1st statement, but know full well that due to police and jails existing in places like NC, FL, and So. CA that the truer statement would be the 2nd one.  The fact remains that you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.  You have to have rain to appreciate the sunshine.  You have to have your heart broken to appreciate a good relationship.

It's kind of funny because I wrote the intro to this blog the beginning of last year, having no idea how much it would be a foreshadowing of things to come.  All the science experiments, logical thinking, and years of failed relationships led me to a point where I literally had enough and gave up on it all.  Not in the bad, give up hope sort of way like I did before...but in a more positive manner.  Basically, in this area of life I stopped trying to control the outcome (because I obviously really sucked at it) and decided to live in faith and leave it up to the outcome-maker.

I'll explain further...I'll never forget the day I came to the point of this understanding.  I was driving in my car, doing what I do best...thinking. With my job at that time, I spent a lot of time driving, so shower realizations and before bed thinking have become a thing of the past as I had a lot less time to do both.  So I was rolling around a bunch of questions in my head like, was the world just full of broken men, was I just so stubborn or hard headed that no one was good enough, was I too far gone from my emotions that there was no return, was love only a one time around shot, was I asking for too much, did the person I want even exist, maybe I was just too abnormal, did I know too much, maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me.  All this time I have been looking and trying things and dating different people and meeting guys in all different ways and going on tons of dates and thinking outside the box, but yet EVERYTHING I tried failed.  

I literally ran out of scenarios of who, where, and what to do.  It was at that moment that I had an epiphany and it came in the form of one word, "I".  "I" always figured that the more people "I" met, the higher the chance "I" would have of meeting the right one.  That's at least what my math teacher's always taught me about probability.  What I forgot is, life is not strictly mathematical.  In fact, the way it works out is not really mathematical at all.  Bad guys don't always get punished, and good guys don't always win.  How does that make any sense?  News flash! It doesn't. 

Back to the point. What "I"had been doing all this time, was trying to force a future that "I" had no control over.  Sure I could make things happen by certain actions.  I could find a decent guy.  I could marry him. I could have his babies. I could be mildly happy with it all. But still that was not good enough for me.  I wanted the best.  That kind of love that stories are made of, and spans the test of time.  But how do you find the best when all you seem to find is good enough? So then it hit me. If I truly trusted that God is the creator of the universe and can do anything, am I really questioning that He could bring around the right man at the perfect time?

At that point I made the best decision I have made in a while.  I decided to just stop. Stop doing what I had been doing, drop all my lists of who my perfect man should be, let go of my age goals (i.e. By the time I am 30 I have to be married, have a house, have kids, be at this job, "fill in the blank"...you all know what I mean) and stop trying to control circumstances (those same circumstances that none of us have control over anyway) and just control myself and my reactions in the circumstance at hand. In stopping, I found that it actually allowed room for other things to start. For once, I got to enjoy the time I was in and just be me. I did things that were healthy for me and that I loved to do with or without anyone. It gave me time to get back to the core of who I am and always wanted to be, but that through time and hurts, I had strayed from. I didn't have ulterior motives or find myself rushing to meet a deadline, and I could just enjoy each day as it was. The happy, the sad, the good, and the bad...they all had their place and their day, and I was able to appreciate each for what they were. 

I'll tell you a secret. None of this stuff we are striving for is really all that important anyway. Let me put it this way. All the things that I truly am grateful for and can stand in awe of, are things I had no hand in creating....my family, my friends, my love, my dog, simply the beauty of creation. Sure, I have the duty to keep a lasting, loving relationship going, and must respect that with which I've been blessed with...but still, I did not create them, or purchase them, or work hard to find them. They just came into my life. I don't really stand in wonder of things and accomplishments like my job, or my car, or my clothes, or my gadgets, or my house (though I'm still trying to figure out how I ever got a loan at 23 and single). That would look really silly...underneath the moonlight staring in awe deeply into my...car's headlights.  It just doesn't have the same effect. Don't get me wrong...I am very grateful for everything I have, and I worked hard to get to where I am...but they don't move me like the things that can't be bought. When something is received and can not be attained by one's own hard work, it kind of makes that thing special...unique...appreciated...kind of like a miracle of sorts.

So, back on track...when I stopped, don't you know it, I finally found what I was looking for and trying to create all this time. As they (who knows who "they" are but I know "they" say this)...you will find the one when you are not looking...it happens out of nowhere. Here I am being little old happy me, standing on my own two feet, able to appreciate every day and be content with where I am at and where I end up, doing the things I love and enjoying the people I had in my life...and poof! Along came my love. Maybe it was just the right timing, maybe he was actually the one, or maybe by not looking and being "given" what I could not attain I appreciated what it was so much more. All I know is that I knew he was it, and I had no parts in creating or finding it. 

It's a silly thing that we all are stressed about. In fact anything we stress about is rather silly. What if we don't get married? What if we aren't successful? What if we never buy a house? What if we never procreate? What if we never have our dream job? What if I don't get into the college I choose? What if, what if, what if! If you don't do any of that, well you can pretty much rest assured you will be doing something else...because in all reality we have to do SOMETHING...and here's the beauty...it can be just as satisfying if not more satisfying than what you originally planned. It doesn't have to be white picket fences and family, or being the president of some company, or going to college, or the American dream. We are not guaranteed any of these things. We aren't even guaranteed that life will be fair. We aren't even sure we will be around to see tomorrow if you want to be harshly honest. But while we are here...we have to realize that each and every day counts and we should be making the best of wherever we are at, not stressing about a place we have not even gotten to yet. There are unending possibilities to the person we can become and some are by far greater than the box we put ourselves in and we can't seem to see past. Yes, there are people that will live the American dream. Yet there are others that will explore the world, cure the latest disease, write a best seller, or serve their fellow man. There are some people that might do both, all, or any number of the billion possibilities this life has to offer. The bottom line is no one is greater than the other and each is important and helps this world keep the balance it needs to keep on spinning. We are all unique and have something special to offer. Life is what you make of it. Simply stated...Living and loving the now doesn't allow time to worry about the what if's in my future. 

As I said earlier you have to have the rain to appreciate the sunshine...well to me this all ties together in the following phrase: Remind yourself that what today looks and feels like does not mean it's going to be your forever, and that what yesterday looked and felt like does not mean it's guaranteed in your today. There's gonna be sunshine. There's gonna be rain. You can't control the circumstances but you can control your reaction to them, so learn to live in and appreciate what both bring.