My Prayer

Oh that I would have such faith that I would get a thrill when trials come my way; while in the midst of sorrow be able to sing; to feel pain so strong and so deep but be joyful for the growth it will bring; to be faced with the impossible but know at that very moment the armies of heaven are fighting on my behalf to make a way; to have the threat of lack but live expectant of provision; to have the foresight to see the sun while still in the storm; to be pushed to the edge of my abilities knowing that in my weakness is when His power kicks in strong; to be so desperate that all I can turn to is You. Oh that I would have such faith...that I would never doubt Your love for me. 

The Sycamore

This week I went for a walk along a canal path in Bordentown. Needless to say, along my 4 hour journey, I saw many trees. There was one tree though that stood out from the rest. In a sea of trees this one was unique and unmistakable.  A sycamore, it's white bark shone bright among the dark brown trees and the muddy canal that surrounded it. As I got closer, I saw the base of the tree was brown and blended in with all the other trees. Inching up the tree, the middle section looked as if it were grey, a mix between the brown bark falling off and the white bark being exposed underneath. But the top of the tree, which is what I saw from afar, was white, shining bright, almost like a lighthouse against the blue sky. I don't know why this tree stood out in that moment. I have probably passed ones similar to it 1,000 times before. But maybe today after getting lost in the woods for a few hours, my mind was quiet enough to pick up the message God was sending me through His beautiful creation. The timing of the message couldn't be more perfect for my life.

A sycamore...Zaccheus climbed one of those. Maybe him climbing that sycamore tree wasn't just a fun fact in the Bible. Maybe he climbed it because it was a tree that was meant to stand out, and he wanted to stand out too. And he did, as that was the day him and his family was saved. I can't help but think, isn't that what our lives should look like in our journey as Christians? Paul says in Galatians 2:20 "I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith...” We were made to be like this sycamore, to stand out, to be a light in the dark, to leave our old life behind, to allow the sun to change us and the darkness to fall off. Only problem is this kind of change requires faith. 

And just like Zaccheus, who else likes to climb trees? Kids...which is also a topic Jesus repeats throughout the gospels which is synonymous with faith. In Matthew 18:3 He says “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Kids climb trees all the time and trust that tree to hold them up. It doesn't even occur to them that it won't. That's what the faith of a child looks like. That's what children have that we as adults so often don't, but we desperately need, to walk this life out. “And without faith it is impossible to please God.” Hebrews 11:6

Did you ever consider why a child is willing to give away what's in their hand...their last fruit snack, cheerio, etc.? Most kids in a healthy environment know from a very young age their parents have more and will provide it for them. They have no doubt they will be taken care of. This is the picture God wants us to grasp between him and us especially in our adult years. Can you imagine how silly it would look for a child to be working, buying their own groceries, cooking their own food, and providing for themselves, when their parents are there? Not only would it be silly but they would fail miserably. Yet I'm sure this is what it looks like to God every day when we struggle, rushing around trying to take care of ourselves, forcing things to happen, when He's there with everything we need just waiting for us to move aside so He can provide it to us. We get older and lose that childlike faith along the way and get caught up in carrying our own burdens instead of transferring them to our Heavenly Father to take care of. We ask Him to show up in our lives but often we haven't even given Him room to do what He promises, and then get mad at Him when we are blocking the way. Why does God need to provide for us when we are doing the job? Just a side thought to think about. Bottom line is without that childlike faith, we can't trust God, and without that trust we will fear growth, and without growth we will never stand out and do the job we were intended to do all along...like the sycamore. 

Back to the tree, the sycamore, that now stood out among the rest. It's whole life was not beautiful. In fact it started much the same like all the trees around it. It didn't have a glamorous beginning growing out of the mud and muck at the edge of the water but it had faith in the One that created it that a brighter future was up ahead. As it stretched up towards the sun and grew, like the scales on the blind man's eyes allowing him to see clearly, bit by bit the dark bark fell off enabling it to be seen. The light was always in the tree but it had to let go of its outer shell, it's identity, what it knew, pieces that it held tight to, to have what was really inside exposed. It had to risk losing something to gain something greater. And it did...It no longer blended in but stood out, though still remaining a humble tree among all the others. Though it was a long maybe even painful process for that tree, eventually all you could see was the light inside. And that light was what caught my eye even from afar, like a glimmer of hope in the sea of darkness, and brought me closer to find out what it was all about. “because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4  The world needs us to be that hope, with our lives bright shining.  Be a sycamore. Stand out. 

Progress or Regress

Well here it is almost spring and I still have this half written idea from last summer. Surprised? Me neither. Thank goodness for the winter time or as I like to call it "the season of catching up". Guess now's a good a time as any to wrap up loose ends before I get too busy chasing the sunlight and adventure outdoors!  I could just wait until summer rolls back around so all this would make more sense to you, the reader, but the out of place and abnormal is more true to life, or at least mine. If I can roll with it, you can too. So here's my summer post for winter reading. Hope you enjoy!

Just this week I found myself having to do a bit of summer reading. The book was called Loser, with a target audience of 4th graders, and it certainly was not my top pick for must read books this summer. I got roped in as it was a summer reading requirement for the 10 year old boy I nanny. The poor kid was having problems getting into the book and it literally had taken him all summer to get through the first 100 pages, so as summer was coming near to a close I figured I'd give him a little motivation to finish. At first I just thought he was being non compliant about reading and dragging his feet but after striking a deal with him that we could tag team the book and take turns reading chapters, I really couldn't blame him for taking his sweet old time to read it. It was awful! Awful as if this book were a movie, it would be along the lines of Freddy Got Fingered, and at the end you would be wishing for those wasted hours of your life back. It didn't flow at all, and was mostly a bunch of nonsense with abruptly written chapters, and to top it off, there was no moral to the story whatsoever. No buildup. No amazing conclusion. It didn't even get you in the feels. Pretty much just an entire waste of time. If it didn't keep my attention, you can imagine how much less interested a ten year old boy would be. The gist of the book was about this loser kid (which I feel bad even calling a fictional character) and about how bad he sucks at life, all the time. As if his life wasn't bad enough to read about, there were also some less than colorful supporting staff. For example, there's a kid in the story that saves his ear wax to make a candle. (As if kids that age need any help with gross ideas!) My 5th grade teacher Mrs. Yorke would have been appalled. We were writing works of art in comparison to this guy's adult literary refuse. Enough said. We aren't here for my personal writing critique on children's books and what that says about the state of the world we live in. So, moving right along. In the midst of this atrocious book, I did stumble across a gem of a sentence, like a glistening diamond in the rough. It was at a part in the story where a little girl runs away and the loser kid is trying to make sense of it. Then came the following sentence which stopped me dead in my tracks. "A kid runs to be found and jumps to be caught." Pause. Read it again. Think about it.

A lot can be said in a few short words. That simple statement is so true on many levels. It's almost freeing to think about. When we are kids we do things for very simple reasons. Our responses are directly related to the needs we have. When we grow into adults however, we tend to make things ultra complicated. Running and jumping look more like falling into the arms of another lover, filling our lives up to the brim so we have no time to think, numbing ourselves with various mood altering substances, making excuses, doing things in excess, or countless other things we do to make ourselves feel better and avoid the issue at hand. Why do we lie to ourselves and others about the reasons we do things? Fact is, running and jumping are risky and we big tough adults don't want to take the chance of getting hurt. When we do these things we tell ourselves it's for this reason or that, and occasionally that might be the case, but more often than not it's just a convincing argument we use to draw everyone including ourselves away from the real issue. We will justify, play the comparison game, and make sure to stay around the people that validate our decisions rather than challenge them, all to avoid going through pain. The kicker is, we will NEVER move past it by ignoring it.  Is it possible to get back to simple uncomplicating life in our adult years without methods of coping? Yes. Find the root cause where the branches of behavior stem from and cut the cord. My favorite method of finding the root cause is asking questions until I no longer can find an answer for them. Amazingly understanding the start brings truth and acknowledgement into the current situation, and then you can start walking through the issue and leave it in the dust.  When you are conscious of something it's much harder to continue down the same path of behaviors as you did when you did not recognize it and the damage it caused. Once you've faced it head on, you must choose from then on to call a spade a spade and deal with every issue truthfully regardless of what follows so no further burying occurs. Deal with everything when it comes, don't bury it and try to uncover it 15 years down the line. Though the concept is simple, it can be as difficult as we allow it to be. As I said earlier for being brave adults we are terrified of pain. Often we find there are a long strand of decisions we have to follow back to find that core reason. Many times it is so simple of a reason, it is overlooked. Sometimes it stems so far back in our history that we disregard it's potency. What I've come to find in my own life's digging is no matter how insignificant something seems or how long ago it occurred or what we we diminish it to, it still has the potential to affect our today if we never took the time to walk through the pain to get to the other side. 

That brings me to some other questions. Is the way we feel something to be embarrassed by?  I personally don't think so, but if your thoughts are contrary to mine, why is that so? Was it how you were taught? Was it learned behavior? Was it decisions based on experience? Are these thought processes still relevant? And seriously is being vulnerable really THAT scary? Have you tried it? If so, was the last time you tried telling the truth, the last time you got burned? How many present choices are we making based on past experiences with different variables? Does that even make sense? The list of questions we can ask ourselves can go on and on. The important thing is we take time to keep on asking those questions (preferably the hardest ones) and looking for the answers. After all the truth will set you free.

Speaking of truth. It's funny how scared we are of that when it has to do with ourselves. It's as if we treat honesty and transparency like the climax to a great movie where all life is hanging in the balance of whether you clip the blue or the red wire...like if the whole world knows the real you, the beautiful and the ugly, that everything might just implode! Truth is it would in a way. In my opinion, that's exactly what this world needs...an explosion of all these walls we built up, and baggage we are carrying with us daily.  What's so bad about being who you are and telling the truth anyway?You're still gonna wake up tomorrow, and be who you are whether you like it or not, whether you are faking it or not. The you core is always there whether it's being carried around hidden like a burden in a backpack or easily worn for all to see. The only difference is if you choose to show your true colors you don't have to spend every waking moment trying to fit into the lie of normal (which is a fabrication of our imagination) fighting back the real you. Man I'm exhausted just thinking of it. And I only know this exhaustion because I've been there. Sad thing is, so many of us are in this position and have been for so long, that we don't even realize we are fighting anymore and we wonder why this life exhausts and drains us. We just know something's not right and we don't know how to fix it. But now you do know, so it's time to start. Use that energy to unbury yourself instead of fighting against yourself. 

There's no reason we need to hide who we are to fit in anywhere or into anything. We shouldn't be ashamed that we as grown adults still want to be loved and cared about and seen. Revel in your human frailty so God can be that much more glorified in our weaknesses. Though we are very different we are much the same, looking for the identical things in so many different ways. I truly think inside of all of us are those little kids that just want to be found and caught.  The key is to never stop being those kids.

I will close this out with this:

“And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3 NIV