So...as it turns out I've been on hiatus from writing for a bit. I guess this is the infamous writer's block everyone speaks about...when people lock themselves in cabins for months, shut off their phones, computers, and communication to the outside world, grow their hair all long and shaggy, and go mad. I'll be honest, my writer's block didn't really come in that sort of fashion (as tempting as it sounds to lock myself away into seclusion for a while). It came in the form of being busy, too busy to the point of exhaustion, every day. No time for tv, relaxing, let alone thinking and writing. Non stop, on the go until I collapsed in bed for at least a solid month, if not more. There might or might not have been drinks involved some nights. The problem is, I kept scheduling things to be that way. I consciously did it to myself. Why you might ask? Simple. So I would have no free time to myself to sit back and reflect. I wanted to be distracted. And believe me, I've been feeling the repercussions lately. There are hours in some days I certainly can not account for...(no matter how good of a time your having, there shouldn't be a point where you can't remember those good times).
I don't know how March got here so fast and I certainly didn't realize how much time I took off until I was alerted by my one fan, my Aunt, this week. It's not that I haven't thought about anything or had some awesome realizations, though my showers have been more of a rush than enjoyment lately. So that leaves only one place where I can have thinky alone time...car rides...which seriously limits the length of conversations you can have with yourself. If anyone knows what I'm talking about at this point, good on you for reading my previous blogs. Anyway, it's really hard to write while driving, not to mention the many distractions on the road. You have to think about things like where you are going, shifting, why Bucks County drivers ride the left lane, and how traffic actually starts and gets so out of hand, which doesn't leave much time for the important stuff. Admittedly, I'm one of those people that can't have the tv on and read, or be around people conversing while studying, or have talk radio on while writing, because where there are people, I instinctively want to pay attention to them and not to what I'm doing. I've always been this way. Believe me, you can ask any of my grade school teachers...if I ever got in trouble, it wasn't because I didn't do my homework or failed a test, it was somehow related to talking or laughing or making fun of or fighting...with people...or throwing snowballs into people's dorm windows...but that's a story for another day.
So bringing it back on topic, I have about 15 blogs started, all while driving in my car, but not one have I allowed myself enough time to finish when at home. I was too busy being busy and it finally took a 6 hour drive to VT to be alone, with no distractions, to figure out the why, and be forced to face the silence and allow my brain time to sort through the wreckage. I knew what I was doing. I planned my brain to be preoccupied. When it comes down to it, I didn't want to think or deal with certain things at the moment. Little old me postponing the inevitable.
Which FINALLY leads me to the heart of this post. I've been in this place before. We all have. Some are currently there and don't even know it. Whether we throw ourselves into work, or someone, or video games, or shopping, or whiskey, or whatever it is we do to keep ourselves occupied and distracted...it's all the same. Most of the time we don't even know or realize what we are doing...and therein lies the danger. Doing things and not understanding why. Not taking the time to analyze the causes and our reactions. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Even the Apostle Paul writes about this sort of thing in Romans 7 (go ahead, look it up). But it's definitely something that needs to be addressed.
Here's what I learned prior, through a long, hard, painful process, the longer we allow ourselves to not deal with our emotions and hurts and feelings as they happen, the dumber we feel about those issues when they resurface. This makes it harder and harder to identify and deal with them and move on from them. The longer we wait, the more disassociated we become with the root of the problem. The truth is if we don't deal with an issue and get past it, it will haunt us until we do. Whether we think it is or isn't, it's there...in our choices and conversation and advice given and walls built and things we do, etc. Worst of all, it doesn't just affect us, it affects those around us. Also, the longer we find ourselves grasping at things to make ourselves feel better for the moment, the longer it will be that we will be stuck in the same place. This is the reason I don't care for substances on a regular basis, or needing something to cope or feel better. Not saying that I don't knowingly choose that route every now and again. No one of course is perfect.
This time around, however, was a little different for me. I was aware of what I was doing and making the choice to avoid it. I knew I would suck it up and eventually deal with what I had to when I had the energy to do so. I know better. I know what I'm doing. The good news is...it doesn't last forever. I get whatever it is out of my system, and then pick myself back up and start anew. This is the reason I'm writing this blog...to inform others. Knowledge is power.
We think we are making ourselves feel better because we get ourselves to a point where we aren't thinking much, but we are only prolonging the inevitable and if left unchecked, has the potential to make us much worse off. When we aren't thinking, we can't see what we have come from and where we are heading. We are actually aiding to our own demise, bringing ourselves further and further from the root of the problem and how to fix it.
So to sum it all up folks...
"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." - William James
