HAPPY Holidays

I don't know if it's all the hustle and bustle, or stressing about money, or the pressure of all the expectations of people, but this holiday season has kind of got me feeling more blue than happy. It's really disconcerting as one would think I would be ecstatic this holiday season. First Christmas with someone special...you know, that person that you've been looking for your whole life...that thing that money can't buy. Love. Yeah, it's kind of a big deal. Anyway, here I am in what should be a super exciting time in my life but somehow I am overwhelmingly just making it by. As always when you are feeling crappy, you end up taking it out on the people you love the most in one way or another. Which in turn means me getting more and more frustrated with myself because that's not who I am or want to be. 

All this was quite unsettling to me, so I started trying to figure out why I felt this way. I racked my brain over and over and couldn't pinpoint just one thing or a root of the madness like I normally can do. I came to the conclusion that is was a bunch of little things that in and of themselves were not so bad but when compiled together ended up adding to one big overwhelming feeling of being stressed. I could go into how we are a selfish and impatient nation, how 1/2 the other people in the world barely have food to eat, and how I should count my blessings and that whole spiel, but I won't. Bottom line is still the same.  How do you stop those holiday blues when it's not any one thing that really needs fixing?

In case any of you feel stuck in a similar rut, as we all tend to do every now and then, I wanted to share something that I have realized and has helped me along the way to get out of the doll drums. For the purpose of this post I only have one point (which might actually be a record for me). So here it is.

No matter how you feel, do things that are healthy and good for you and others. It doesn't matter if you feel like smiling at a stranger, showering, waking up, decorating a tree, going for a run, saying something nice, making a snowman, helping out a friend, etc., do it anyway. Your feelings should never dictate your actions. They should only be indicators, not dictators. 

So how does any of that help send your blues packing? Well, the truth is, your feelings will always follow your actions. Kind of like a glow stick. Your feelings are that trail of light that follows the sticks course and glows the color of what's inside. They can only go where you lead them. Let that marinate for a bit. I'm not gonna lie, it might take a little bit to get the ball rolling...but keep at it. Your feelings will eventually follow. Happiness is a choice and it starts with your actions. If you stop acting miserable there's not gonna be any room to feel miserable. Also a hidden extra bonus is that the more you do something, the easier it gets. So practice being a happy person and it will get easier and easier to be so.  

Though I love Elvis' rendition of "Blue Christmas" I don't want that being the story of my life, and neither should you! I hope this post will help you to have a truly HAPPY holiday!  

If I Were a Superhero

If I were a superhero my name would be Why. Yes, as in the question, and yes, I am aware it's a cheesy name.  Maybe I'll get signed by Marvel and they will come up with something more creative and Hollywood friendly, like Google or Bing.  But until then and for the purpose of this post, we'll just stick with Why. Why choose the name Why? Well it's simple, because my special power would be that of questions and Why is my favorite question (yes, I was that annoying kid). So I think it's fitting. I would have the ability to ask questions regarding anything and get an answer immediately if there was one (trust me folks, Siri does not have all the answers).  So for instance, "Where is my arch nemesis hiding?".  (See I would think that would be a very useful answer to have.)  Or, "How can I create the ultimate weapon?".  Or, "What is my anniversary date?"  (I just threw this in there to show the usefulness of this super power even though it has nothing to do with super heroes.  We all know superheroes never get married.)

"Well that's not a cool power. None of the kids would want me as a figurine?  In fact, it's not even really a super power at all as everyone has the ability to question," you say? But au contraire.  With the lack of questioning going on and with the way people act in this day and age, it does make it sort of an anomaly.  Plus Batman doesn't really have any extraordinary power and he is still dubbed a super hero.  Besides, you mean to tell me that kids wouldn't eat up a character who knew the answers to all their unending questions like "Why is the sky blue?", "What are sausages made from?" and my all time favorite, "Where do babies come from?" So back off and let me get back to my ramblings...my super power is cool!  :)

Questioning is such a huge part of living, learning, and growing.  Think of how many questions a child under the age of 10 asks on a daily basis.  Now think of how many questions an average grown adult asks on a daily basis.  I would imagine it's dramatically less. How do kids learn so much in such a short time?  By asking questions!  Those smart little buggers.  

So what happens in between childhood to adulthood which causes questioning to dwindle and maybe even cease?  Why don't adults question every day life and how we are living and the things we are taught?  For once, I really don't have the answer to that question.  Maybe somewhere along their childhood journey a kid is told to shut up, that they are annoying, or gets repeatedly yelled at for having questions.  Maybe as teenagers their questioning looks much like rebellion and thus they are not accepted and feel like no one understands them.  Maybe as adults, work and family environments eat away at them and after many questions and failed attempts they give up, because it doesn't seem to do much good anyway, so why bother.  Or maybe it's simply the fact that adults underestimate the impact they themselves as one person can have on the world.  Believe me a child recognizes their impact on the world, as they have no problem screaming to get some attention.  Whatever the cause, we adults don't question like we should or we used to when we were kids.  Which directly correlates to stunted growth in my opinion.

I've realized that questioning can be very powerful through living these past 31 years.  It's what I've done my whole life, and part of the reason I can contribute to why I am who I am today. Sure, my parents weren't too thrilled about the constant inquisition when I was young, and I'm sure they could have done without the barrage of smart ass comments and actions throughout my teen years, but I bet they see the value of it today.  In fact, they are the ones asking me the questions now a days. 

Even with the purest of intentions, questioning can sometimes be taken the wrong way.  There were many days my teachers and bosses have mistaken my questioning as a stab at their character or the way they are doing things.  (A wise teacher once told me you can only take offense to what you identify with but that's another topic for another day).  In reality all I was trying to do was understand how something works in order to see if there is a better way, but it's all a learning process for those being taught and even for those who are leading/teaching us. "Only a fool thinks he is wise..."

Another thing I've learned about questioning in my unprofessional opinion, is that it is downright productive, or should I say has the potential to be.  Why? (Ha ha...Yes I even question when having a conversation with myself and my word processor.) Well I guess because it's the first step in changing things to work more fluidly, for people to get along and realize their worth and purpose, and to be able to use their time wisely.  It's the first step to changed lives and happier people, which also causes more changed lives and happier people like a domino affect.  Through questions, ways of life, things, and people can change.  

Of course you can't just stop at questioning.  You have to act on new knowledge as well for anything to be different.  Once you know better you are accountable.  Follow me for a second. Knowledge is power.  Power is a form of energy. I guess if your all sciency you can call questions potential energy (it is meant just as it sounds). Actions could be looked at as kinetic energy (when something is in motion). Basically questions hold all the potential of changing things in the world but until you actually act on them, they will never reach their full capacity. Can you imagine if the Wright brothers asked the question "I wonder if we can fly like birds?" and never actually experimented to figure out the if and how? Or let's say they figured out how to fly and never asked the question why it would be useful, and never told anyone about it?  Businesses, trade, vacations, and travel anywhere in general would be much harder. Wars would look much different in our history books. You see the point. 

Questions are important because without them we aren't going anywhere but where we've already been...which I'll be honest, sounds really quite boring. Almost as boring as my superhero name. Though I bet if you paired me up with the Riddler we could get some serious stuff accomplished! No question about it! ;)

The Sunshine State

What is it about nice weather that makes me want to blast the tunes, roll down the windows, drive really fast, and sing at the top of my lungs like it's the greatest day on the face of the planet?  Days like these I feel like I don't need anything more than the simple things in life.  I often wonder if I would be perpetually happy if I lived somewhere where it was warm and sunny year round, or if it's actually the absence of sun all winter that makes it so much more enjoyable when it comes back.  I'd like to believe it's the 1st statement, but know full well that due to police and jails existing in places like NC, FL, and So. CA that the truer statement would be the 2nd one.  The fact remains that you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.  You have to have rain to appreciate the sunshine.  You have to have your heart broken to appreciate a good relationship.

It's kind of funny because I wrote the intro to this blog the beginning of last year, having no idea how much it would be a foreshadowing of things to come.  All the science experiments, logical thinking, and years of failed relationships led me to a point where I literally had enough and gave up on it all.  Not in the bad, give up hope sort of way like I did before...but in a more positive manner.  Basically, in this area of life I stopped trying to control the outcome (because I obviously really sucked at it) and decided to live in faith and leave it up to the outcome-maker.

I'll explain further...I'll never forget the day I came to the point of this understanding.  I was driving in my car, doing what I do best...thinking. With my job at that time, I spent a lot of time driving, so shower realizations and before bed thinking have become a thing of the past as I had a lot less time to do both.  So I was rolling around a bunch of questions in my head like, was the world just full of broken men, was I just so stubborn or hard headed that no one was good enough, was I too far gone from my emotions that there was no return, was love only a one time around shot, was I asking for too much, did the person I want even exist, maybe I was just too abnormal, did I know too much, maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me.  All this time I have been looking and trying things and dating different people and meeting guys in all different ways and going on tons of dates and thinking outside the box, but yet EVERYTHING I tried failed.  

I literally ran out of scenarios of who, where, and what to do.  It was at that moment that I had an epiphany and it came in the form of one word, "I".  "I" always figured that the more people "I" met, the higher the chance "I" would have of meeting the right one.  That's at least what my math teacher's always taught me about probability.  What I forgot is, life is not strictly mathematical.  In fact, the way it works out is not really mathematical at all.  Bad guys don't always get punished, and good guys don't always win.  How does that make any sense?  News flash! It doesn't. 

Back to the point. What "I"had been doing all this time, was trying to force a future that "I" had no control over.  Sure I could make things happen by certain actions.  I could find a decent guy.  I could marry him. I could have his babies. I could be mildly happy with it all. But still that was not good enough for me.  I wanted the best.  That kind of love that stories are made of, and spans the test of time.  But how do you find the best when all you seem to find is good enough? So then it hit me. If I truly trusted that God is the creator of the universe and can do anything, am I really questioning that He could bring around the right man at the perfect time?

At that point I made the best decision I have made in a while.  I decided to just stop. Stop doing what I had been doing, drop all my lists of who my perfect man should be, let go of my age goals (i.e. By the time I am 30 I have to be married, have a house, have kids, be at this job, "fill in the blank"...you all know what I mean) and stop trying to control circumstances (those same circumstances that none of us have control over anyway) and just control myself and my reactions in the circumstance at hand. In stopping, I found that it actually allowed room for other things to start. For once, I got to enjoy the time I was in and just be me. I did things that were healthy for me and that I loved to do with or without anyone. It gave me time to get back to the core of who I am and always wanted to be, but that through time and hurts, I had strayed from. I didn't have ulterior motives or find myself rushing to meet a deadline, and I could just enjoy each day as it was. The happy, the sad, the good, and the bad...they all had their place and their day, and I was able to appreciate each for what they were. 

I'll tell you a secret. None of this stuff we are striving for is really all that important anyway. Let me put it this way. All the things that I truly am grateful for and can stand in awe of, are things I had no hand in creating....my family, my friends, my love, my dog, simply the beauty of creation. Sure, I have the duty to keep a lasting, loving relationship going, and must respect that with which I've been blessed with...but still, I did not create them, or purchase them, or work hard to find them. They just came into my life. I don't really stand in wonder of things and accomplishments like my job, or my car, or my clothes, or my gadgets, or my house (though I'm still trying to figure out how I ever got a loan at 23 and single). That would look really silly...underneath the moonlight staring in awe deeply into my...car's headlights.  It just doesn't have the same effect. Don't get me wrong...I am very grateful for everything I have, and I worked hard to get to where I am...but they don't move me like the things that can't be bought. When something is received and can not be attained by one's own hard work, it kind of makes that thing special...unique...appreciated...kind of like a miracle of sorts.

So, back on track...when I stopped, don't you know it, I finally found what I was looking for and trying to create all this time. As they (who knows who "they" are but I know "they" say this)...you will find the one when you are not looking...it happens out of nowhere. Here I am being little old happy me, standing on my own two feet, able to appreciate every day and be content with where I am at and where I end up, doing the things I love and enjoying the people I had in my life...and poof! Along came my love. Maybe it was just the right timing, maybe he was actually the one, or maybe by not looking and being "given" what I could not attain I appreciated what it was so much more. All I know is that I knew he was it, and I had no parts in creating or finding it. 

It's a silly thing that we all are stressed about. In fact anything we stress about is rather silly. What if we don't get married? What if we aren't successful? What if we never buy a house? What if we never procreate? What if we never have our dream job? What if I don't get into the college I choose? What if, what if, what if! If you don't do any of that, well you can pretty much rest assured you will be doing something else...because in all reality we have to do SOMETHING...and here's the beauty...it can be just as satisfying if not more satisfying than what you originally planned. It doesn't have to be white picket fences and family, or being the president of some company, or going to college, or the American dream. We are not guaranteed any of these things. We aren't even guaranteed that life will be fair. We aren't even sure we will be around to see tomorrow if you want to be harshly honest. But while we are here...we have to realize that each and every day counts and we should be making the best of wherever we are at, not stressing about a place we have not even gotten to yet. There are unending possibilities to the person we can become and some are by far greater than the box we put ourselves in and we can't seem to see past. Yes, there are people that will live the American dream. Yet there are others that will explore the world, cure the latest disease, write a best seller, or serve their fellow man. There are some people that might do both, all, or any number of the billion possibilities this life has to offer. The bottom line is no one is greater than the other and each is important and helps this world keep the balance it needs to keep on spinning. We are all unique and have something special to offer. Life is what you make of it. Simply stated...Living and loving the now doesn't allow time to worry about the what if's in my future. 

As I said earlier you have to have the rain to appreciate the sunshine...well to me this all ties together in the following phrase: Remind yourself that what today looks and feels like does not mean it's going to be your forever, and that what yesterday looked and felt like does not mean it's guaranteed in your today. There's gonna be sunshine. There's gonna be rain. You can't control the circumstances but you can control your reaction to them, so learn to live in and appreciate what both bring. 

How To Become an Alcoholic in 25 Days or Less

Warning: This is not the best blog to read if you ever want to look at me the same (parents, relatives, religious folk, people that think their poop smells like roses). This is not your mom's childhood bedtime story. This is probably going to shock, appall, horrify and worry many of you...in that order. Keep in mind I have changed all names of parties involved, and have left out many details that are not pertinent to the subject at hand. This will probably land me in the nearest (fill in the blank) Anonymous group or on the fast track to the psych ward. Kidding about that last part. I probably should not even be writing about this at all, but I believe in the power of honesty, and this is just 25 days in the life of Glori. (And it's also a good way to tell who is reading my blogs because I'm sure I'm gonna get a rash of questions and emailed self help links after this).

I will preface this all by saying I am not going to elude to the fact that this was a recent happening. It could have happened 10 years ago. It could have happened yesterday. But one thing I will admit for sure, it happened. Starting off on the wrong foot, I never really understood how a person could become an alcoholic. I mean I definitely have had experience in the drinking department. I've been a teenager.  I've gone to college. I've partied like the world was ending (Y2K anyone?) but never was an "alcoholic". I couldn't even become an alcoholic if I tried to! I just chalked it up to not having an addictive personality. The point I'm trying to make here is, I never understood how drinking could take over your life. Wouldn't being hungover every day eventually wear on you? How can a person physically drink every day? Don't you have stuff to get done and places to go and people to see? At what point does the state of being an alcoholic actually happen? Some people say it's when you drink alone, others say it's when it interferes with your job, still others say if you can't go without a drink. I say it all starts when one of your best friends, Mr. Instigator, comes to visit for five days with the intention of "running off vodka by Friday" and me, being the stand up friend that I am, complying to fulfill that wish.

Usually when I don't understand a concept, life has a way of showing me how it works at the most unpredictable times. I'm not sure if it was a combo of Dryjuary (not drinking for a whole month) and having an absence of something (in this case alcohol) which created an over indulgence later, or if it was me being hell bent on ensuring Mr. Instigator enjoyed his 5 day stay, but all I know is 5 days turns into 25 days in the blink of an eye when you are living it up. If anyone is unsure of how real the fact that habits can be created in 3 weeks is, take my scientific proof of this post that they can. So here is how to become an alcoholic in 25 days aka my attempt at the next best seller, Alcoholism for Dummies. (All I'm saying is if Shades of Grey and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell can sweep the nation, so could this). In case anyone is wondering, you have to drink pretty much non-stop for 25 days and watch your life quickly collapse down around you in that short period of time...at least that's what the jacket summary will say.

So this is the long boring chronological day by day part. You can skip all of this and jump straight to the last paragraph if you're pressed for time or have ADD...(kinda like everyone does with the genealogies in the Bible).

My timeline pretty much went something like this:

Day 1: Pick up Mr. Instigator from airport. Work. Meet up with Mr. Instigator, Miss Innocent, and Mr. New Guy who are already at the local bar. Get to the bar fashionably late due to impromptu going away gathering you must attend. Have a drink. The crew decides to bar hop. Go to bar down the road. Have a couple catch up drinks so you can get on your friends' levels. Make final stop at your hometown bar. Drop friends off and are in bed by 12:30am because you have work the next day. Phew! You made it and were home at a reasonable hour.

Day 2: Kind of hungover. Make it through work. Wonder how you can physically drink again but know you must indulge Mr. Instigator. Tell yourself to suck it up like a wo-man. Pick up Mr. Instigator as he refused to go home the prior night and he woke up in a home unaware of his surrounds. Meet up with same crew from last night. Go to a boring bar. Have one drink and move on. Tonight it's Mr. New Guy that wants to find the party. So we stumble upon a bar celebrating the current holiday in pure party fashion. Play pool. Drink. Play beer pong. Drink. Totally forget you were hungover. Then as if the drunk gods want to play into your madness, you get a call somewhere between the time you are deciding if you will drink more vodka or switch to beer, that you don't have to be at work until 4pm the next day. Decision made!  The party is going to last forever and you will be sticking with vodka due to informative work phone call. Now you too share in the joy of Mr. New Guy wanting to find the party earlier. The party does in fact end at the bar, however you proceed to take the party elsewhere. Before you know it, it's 3:30am and you are falling asleep standing up. Go home and crash.

Day 3: You sleep all day until it's time to work. Inevitably still hungover. Get informed by Mr. Instigator that they are getting everyone together tonight as it's the weekend. Dread every second of the day as it inches closer to Drink:30 (that's the time you have to start drinking)...that is until you get that whiff of spring air that suddenly energizes you. Call it a gut feeling but you know tonight is going to be epic. While having said thought, as if to confirm your suspicion, you get that call from Mr. Instigator to have you pick him up because him and his friend, Mr. Indecisive, are already too drunk to drive to their own planned outing. Wait an hour and a half for them to get themselves together, trying to convince Mr. Indecisive that he should in fact go to his best friend's gathering, while making up new drinks in Mr. Indecisive's kitchen to go with vodka. Turns out half a glass of cherry vodka and half a glass of ginger ale goes down pretty smoothly and makes time pass quite well while impatiently waiting for friends. Finally make it to the bar. They have a band playing. Alcohol and live music is your kryptonite.  All your friends are there and the bar is packed shoulder to shoulder. The bar closes with everyone singing an a cappella montage of a song everyone knows. Meet cute but weird guy, Mr. Depp, outside bar and exchange numbers. Pile in car and drive Mr. Instigator, Mr. Indecisive, and Mr. New Guy to a much needed 2:30am Wawa run. Go back to Mr. Indecisive's house. Eat so you can drink more...logically.  Get obligatory 3:30am drunk text from Mr. Depp, because the 3 day rule does not apply when you meet someone after midnight, telling you they are partying and you should come by. Leave to go to random house party with straggler Mr. New Guy who is the only one left with a little spunk in him. Meet more people. Drink and talk. Drop Mr. New Guy off at home at 5am per request and go back to the dying party. Stay up until 7am because Mr. Depp has work the next day and requests your presence to now keep him awake for his remaining couple hours. Drive home and collapse in bed with clothes still on.

Day 4: You do nothing. Literally. You don't even know if you actually slept because you only remember bits and pieces of last night. But you had a great time and you fulfilled the epic night of adventure you smelled in the air. You already drank into the wee hours of the morning...no way your body can handle another night of drinking even if it is Mr. Instigator's last night. Order food. Watch tv with Mr. Instigator. Say goodbye.

Day 5: Wake up not knowing what you are feeling. Most people would call this sober, but you are unsure of it's origin. Go to church. Miss Innocent calls you up to have lunch. You are sad as Mr. Instigator is now on a flight home and you could use the company. Miss Innocent suggests to bring some drinks. You instinctively cringe at the thought of drinking...but comply. Start drinking. Turns out it tastes pretty good once it hits your lips. End up at a bar to eat lunch. Get sucked into a movie at bar. Go to Miss Innocent's house to finish said movie and drinks that were abandoned for lunch. End up back at bar after movie is over...after all there's nothing left to do once your drinks are gone. Decide to leave bar at 8pm because you must be responsible even though the next day is a holiday. Again, as if there is someone listening to your thoughts of trying to be responsible, on the way home you get a text from Mr. Charisma, someone you never actually met before, but have been trying to catch up with, saying his friends ditched him and he's lonely and needs someone to keep him company at the bar around the corner from your house. Convenient. Starting to see the pattern of ridiculousness and being a glutton for punishment and recognizing there's no work the next day, you arrive at bar to meet Mr. Charisma...after all you already have been drinking for 5 hours and this seems like a good idea at this point. You end up having a blast with Mr. Charisma as name indicates. Shots and drinks continue. Bar closes. By this point you are so far gone that you decide it's a great idea to keep drinking. Walk to Mr. Charisma's friend's house, Miss Needy. Drink more. Steal picture from apartment complex wall cuz it's hideous and it's funny. Decide you need to go home. Mr. Charisma walks you home for safety. Give drunken tour of your house. Get into conversation about movies. Drinking and movie watching commences. Mr. Kind Hearted roommate wakes up for work and has a shot with you and Mr. Charisma. See the sun come up and the clock laughing at you saying it's 7am. Go to bed.

Day 6: You wake up and thank God you had off today. You feel like you are a bit out of whack but surprisingly don't have a headache or hangover. That's your sign...you ignore it of course.

Day 7-8: One big blur as it was pretty much the same day repeating itself over and over. Hang out with friends, drink, work. Nap when possible. There might be a video of you and Mrs. Share a Brain making nonsense talk with edible objects from one of these days.

Day 9: You wake up in a panic. Still not sure whether you turned your alarm off in your sleep or if you just didn't bother to set it at all. You miss work entirely. Talk to sober Mr. Kind Hearted who swears he had a conversation with you and woke you up, and you apparently told him you were awake and to leave you alone. Remember none of this. You are now starting to get blackout drunk as hours of days have gone missing.

Day 10: Work. Decide it's time to slow down this fast pace ticket to hell you've been on. But it's Friday, so you can't sit at home doing nothing. Call Mrs. Share a Brain and Mr. Man Bag and suggest a low key night. They oblige. Go to bar to get food and of course a beer. Hit the movie theater with them and your backpack of beer in tow because after all you should always plan ahead and always pre-game your planned drinking. By the time the movie is over backpack is empty and all consequences fade away. Go back to bar with them because it's still early and you are feeling good. Decide, collectively that you and your friends need to relocate closer to home around midnight. You are coherent enough to drive home, but not enough to stop drinking and call it a night. Mr. Kind Hearted joins drunken crawl with me, Mr. Man Bag, and Mrs. Share a Brain. Walk to nearby bar. Play pool. Drink beer from pitchers because the glasses must be filled to frequently. Get kicked out of bar because it's an hour past closing time. In this state of mind time doesn't exist. Stumble home. Mrs. Share a Brain cooks breakfast while everyone proceeds to drink more. Wave hello to the sun. Everyone passes out at your residence like a scene from the latest apocalypse movie.

Day 11: Curse the same sun you waved at and get slightly angry at yourself for being so thrilled to see it a few short hours ago. Take Mrs. Share a Brain home. Get fed. Muster up enough strength to go ice skating. You are somehow still able to make and keep commitments. Realize that you can't sleep and have to drink again tonight because it's Mr. Birthday Boy's birthday party. Drive to Philly wanting to die from exhaustion. Go to an all expenses paid bar. Order the good stuff. You keep your whits about you as you are hurting from barely any sleep and any energy you have must be used to socialize and stay awake. Win party game and receive a bottle of Jameson as prize. Just what you need, more alcohol. Follow party crowd to another bar. Purpose to leave by 9pm. At about 8:35pm receive text from Mr. and Mrs. Late Comer who make you promise to wait for them because you haven't hung out in so long. Mr. Late Comer buys a round of shots upon entrance. Somehow the beers are now going down like water. There's that "time no longer exists" feeling again. Start talking to guys at the bar. You barely notice all your friends left until Mr. Man Bag gives your keys, which were taken from your open purse, to new guy friends, Mr. Bed and Mr. Breakfast, to ensure I would be doing no driving. Go home with complete strangers, Mr. Bed and Mr. Breakfast. Blackout. Hours are lost somewhere in the cosmic universe.

Day 12: Wake up having no clue where you are, who's condo you are in, or how you got there. Realize that condo is REALLY expensive, possibly the pent house. You vaguely remember kicking around a soccer ball inside the massive expanse one would call a living room last night. Check on sleeping Mr. Bed and Mr. Breakfast, and say goodbye. Exit through super high class lobby where breakfast is being served. Reek of booze. Still in the same clothes as last night. Wonder if lobby attendants notice. Walk through automatic sliding glass doors to the outside world of the city. Still so drunk that you can't even properly work your phone. Contacts stuck to your eyeballs. Have a "dude where's my car" moment. (Note: "dude where's my car" when paired with "I'm lost in a city and don't know where I am" can make one slightly anxious...do not try if you are probe to anxiety.) Must recount prior nights adventures backwards step by step to get your bearings...kinda like the movie the Hangover only it's your life and it's real so it's a lot less funny in the moment. Wander. Finally figure out how to work your phone and call Mr. Man Bags for moral support and to ask if he had any clue what Mr. Bed and Mr. Breakfast's names were. No dice. Mr. Bed and Breakfast they shall always remain. Find car after doing the whole backtracking hangover thing. Set body on autopilot and drive straight to church, unshowered and unkempt. Sit next to Miss Dancing Queen and apologize for the odor I know she is politely ignoring. Go home and nap for 1 hour. Pack in a fury as you have to drive to VT to snowboard immediately. Starting to wonder why you ever make plans anymore. You are what they call a functioning alcoholic. Leave on long 6 hour journey. Realize things are spiraling out of control as your heart is racing from anxiety and lack of sleep. Drive through a blizzard which takes your mind off of beating yourself up for the last 2 weeks. Finally make it to VT in one piece. Mr. and Mrs. Good Times are happy to see you and present you with jello shots. You oblige even though you want jello shots just as much as you want a shot in the head.  Food is high on the list of priorities however so you go to a bar. The beer gods are at work again and you realize it happens to be Jack Daniels week at the bar. Madness ensues. Meet crazy Canadians and Mr. and Miss L.I. Become best friends with all people mentioned over the course of an hour. You muscle through more drinks. Learn how to play Black Jack. Win random J.D. apparel. Have flash back of being in the same bar a few years prior and take a moment to pause in silence saluting old memories.  The thought of fresh snow and first chair actually override the need to drink and you become the voice of reason to Mr. and Mrs. Good Times suggesting we go home early and call it a night. Reason means your in bed by 1:30am.  Success!

Day 13: Snowboard. Meet up with Mr. and Miss L.I. from prior night. Adventure in the woods carrying snowboard for what seems like miles trudging through backwoods and snow up to your knees to find an old cabin. Make the 6 hour trek home. Collapse in bed.

Day 14-16: You can't recall one single thing from any of these days. Blackout hours are turning into blackout days. I'm pretty sure there was work, a lot of naps involved, coupled with drinking at home at night (not by yourself mind you).  Your house looks like a crime scene as you have had no time to even consider the thought of cleaning. You realize you haven't gone food shopping in a month. I'm pretty sure I ate a can of corn for lunch one of these days.

Day 17: Work. Hang out with Mr. Depp for lunch. Go on date with Mr. Dos Equis. Simply stated your senses are now failing because you can't even use your GPS to find the bar you are going to this night. It might actually be true that you can drink your brain cells away. You have to phone a friend and it happens to be Mr. Man Bags that answers your distressed call to give you directions, so you don't look like a complete idiot to Mr. Dos Equis. Drink good beer (aka high alcohol percentage). Decide that if drinking was to continue we need to go to bar closer to home. Find bar closer to home. Drink. Try to call it a night but in parking lot decide that the better plan would be to move party to Mr. Dos Equios house. After all it is a couple miles closer than your house.  Stay up most of the night and drink. Crash at Mr. Dos Equios house.

Day 18: In and out of sleep all day. Mr. Dos Equios doesn't seem to mind. Go to work at night. Get off at 10pm and kick yourself for promising Miss Innocent that you would show up to meet her at the bar. Drag out Mr. Charisma because you need someone to go down in flames with you, and also prop you up in case you fall asleep standing up. Go to bar with all intentions of fulfilling quota of 2 hours mandatory hang out, then going home to sleep. Drinks go down more smoothly than originally thought. There is dancing and karaoke and you meet fun interesting people and have good conversations. You get sassy and try throwing Mr. Charisma under the bus to a Miss Butter Face. Two hours turns into four. Before you know it, you close out the bar. Go home and sleep. At least that's what we can assume you are doing because you wake up in bed, but haven't actually remembered the act of sleeping for quite some time now.

Day 19: Again wake up for church. At least you have one good thing going for you. You actually try and make an effort to have a normal day and get to bed on time. Everything goes according to plan. Maybe you reached your breaking point.

Day 20: You were wrong. You come home to Mr. Charisma and Miss Personality drinking at your house. Being hospitable, you join in. Make it to bed at an unreasonable hour, but reasonable if you are comparing it to the last 19 days.

Day 21: Work. You try to have an easy night and hang with Mrs. Share a Brain. Bring a six pack over instinctively. Kill six pack while Mrs. Share a Brain is only on beer two. Go home. Find Mr. Charisma and Miss Personality drinking in the kitchen again. Feel obligated to have one glass of wine, or was that just the six pack making decisions for what is left of your brain. Music is going, laughs are being had and that 1 glass turns into 3 and it's 1:30am before you know it.  Count your sheep...you only make it to 3 sheep.

Day 22: You again sleep through your alarm and miss work for the 2nd time in 2 weeks. Never in your life has this happened to you let alone twice in 2 weeks.  You don't even know what to think anymore. You assume you are still drunk, after all you can't tell as you don't get hangovers anymore. You have accepted that cloudy feeling in your brain as normal. You nearly have a mental breakdown. You realize that this is how alcoholics become alcoholics. You start questioning your life and try to have a heart to heart with yourself and your brain floating in booze. Becoming an alcoholic is a lot easier than you thought. It sneaks up on you. You go back to bed before you seriously lose it, determined you will wake up refreshed. You thank God that you do not have an addictive personality and purpose the experiment is over and will not be drinking and will be staying in. You remind yourself that you are just as funny and personable if not more witty sober and you like waking up in a place you are familiar. When you find Mr. Charisma and Miss Personality drinking in your house this night, you are able to tell them to have fun and that you are going to bed. You stay up until 1am writing and drinking...coffee.

Day 23: Work. You are a little bit sleepy but are feeling good from your off night. You are informed you don't have to work until the afternoon tomorrow. You habitually start devising the drinking plan for the night. Again find Mr. Charisma and Miss Personality drinking wine at your house. You pre-game the pre-game. Decide to meet up with friends at Miss Innocent's house. You pre-game. You finally get to the bar and it's dead. Have 1 drink and go to a new bar. Find the mecca of parties going on. Beer pong, pool tables, dancing, irishness. You drink...a lot. Do tons of shots. You dance. You slap Mr. Charisma in the face and drag him on the dance floor. You start talking to the bouncer. You get hit on by weird creepy guy who keeps buying you more shots even though you can't keep your eyes focused. You are nodding in and out of consciousness. From the corner of your eye you see Miss Personality put Mr. Charisma in headlock. Then proceed to slap him twice. It was the slap heard round the world. Bouncers take Miss Personality and throw her out. You lay your head on the bar table and blackout. There's a first time for everything such as passing out in a bar.  Miss Personality calls cops. Cops come and go as Miss Personality was the one to blame. Mr. Charisma calls Mr. Kind Hearted to pick you up. You are completely incoherent. Mr. Charisma army carries you on his back out of the bar and places you in your shuttle back home. Mr. Kind Hearted puts you to bed. You remember about 5% of all of this.

Day 24: You wake up and laugh at the stories from prior night. Do nothing of worth. Can barely figure out how to microwave Bagel Bites. Work for 2 hours. Mr. Man Bags arrives to your house the same time you get home from work. Drinking commences. You, Mr. Man Bags, and Mr. Charisma go to meet Miss Airport at a bar. Have a couple drinks. Eat pizza even though you don't even feel hunger anymore. Pick up Mrs. Share a Brain. Pick up Miss Innocent. Park and walk to bar. Meet up with everyone else. You know you have to drive so you tell yourself only beer, no shots. You have two shots by end of the night. There is singing and dancing and bouncing and laughing all night. Mr. Depp shows up and acts all crazy. You ignore him and drink more. You flag Miss Innocent and take her home. You close the bar. Go home to drink more with friends. Cook breakfast at 3am. Drive Mrs. Share a Brain home at 4:30am. Epicly fun night. Crash into bed.

Day 25: Wake up after 5 hours of sleep. No hangover. Not hungry. Not tired. Find that the aftermath of last night was cleaned up already by Mr. Kind Hearted. Laze around. Go to get a new tattoo at Mr. Ink's house. Get half naked and sit through hours of an outline. The top half of your body goes numb from being in the same position so long...or is it just that your body is so worn out that it's shutting down portions of itself to conserve energy for later. You laugh as Mr. Ink hits a ticklish spot. Apparently you no longer feel pain either. Go home. Wait for Miss Airport to pick you, Mr. Charisma, and Mr. Kind Hearted up to shuttle you to the bar to meet up for a friend's birthday. You take it slow even though you have a DD. You sing karaoke. Mr. Kind Hearted falls asleep at bar. Mr. Bartender requests you get him out of there. The question is not whether you stop drinking and go home, the question is where to put Mr. Kind Hearted. You ask Miss Airport for her keys. Stumble arm in arm with Mr. Kind Hearted making sure he doesn't trip too badly or run into a street sign. You put him to sleep in back seat of the car and walk back to the bar. Now you start drinking. Many shots and beers are had. You start talking to Mr. Trouble Smirk. The bar is now closing. You take it outside while Miss Airport gets the car. You get in the car mildly reluctant and go home. You sober up and reflect for the first time in almost a month and decide that enough is enough and conclude what you lovingly call your "alcoholism study" before it gets out of hand.  

So here's the bottom line.  After 25 days of drinking heavily every night you should get to a point where you feel nothing if done properly...including hangovers, hunger, and tiredness.  Thus answering the question of how it is entirely possible to physically drink every night.  More alcohol numbs the effects of the prior night's alcohol.  You should also start feeling like nothing really matters and have signs of depression and/or anxiety when not drinking (aka when your mind starts engaging into sober-land again), and have experienced a combination of or all of the following:  your job is on the line, you have degraded yourself and others, probably pissed some people off and burned some bridges you aren't even aware of, you consistently meet members of the opposite sex that are no good for you, your non-drinking friends and family start wondering where you've been and or try to have an intervention, you can function solely on auto pilot, every day feels like a groundhog day, nothing is getting better or worse, and you lose hours and days and can't remember what you did unless you painstakingly take the time to write it down each night like I did.  The trick to becoming an alcoholic is consistency people! 

In all seriousness what I did learn is anyone can become an alcoholic and it's a very easy process so don't judge those that fall victim to the trap.  I'm sure we are all aware of the obvious dangers of being an alcoholic, but to me the most crucial is the one no one talks about.  The silent danger in all of this is the following cycle on repeat.  All Drink=No Think.  While that might be beneficial for a short period of time because let's face it, I know my mind can use a little break every now and again, it's not healthy for extended periods of time because what needs to get handled just starts building up.  It's like running around a track over and over again and wondering why you aren't getting anywhere.  You start wearing a groove in the dirt until you find yourself in the pit of a moat (we are assuming this is a moat with no water or fire breathing dragons).  By the time you realize you're in the moat, there's no way out but a really really steep climb up. All this being said, it wouldn't be right for me to leave you there in the moat.  So just as the analogy states...the key to getting out of the cycle/moat is to...(are you ready for this ground breaking information?)...CHANGE DIRECTIONS.  It's just as simple as that.  Stop drinking, start thinking, and change your course.  This can also be applied to anything in life.  You have to remember you are the only one that has the power to change their own course.  You, through your choices, are responsible for getting yourself into it, and only you can get yourself out of it.  If you are lucky, you might have some friends waiting up at ground zero extending a hand down to give you that last little bit of pull you need to get out.  If you aren't so lucky, give me a shout, because as well as being a skilled blogger I happen to also possess the skill of moat climbing as I've been there a time or two...or one hundred...but who's counting.

PS: Points for anyone that read the entire blog.  Extra credit points for my friends who read this and can pick out who they are lovingly dubbed as in this onslaught of 25 days of madness. 

The Answer is Always Wait

Imperfections...we've all got them. My imperfections are many, but to name a few I've always been impatient, impulsive, and right.  Ok that last one was kind of a joke..kind of.  The impatience one is a biggie for me though.  It's made me very independent, and self reliant to a fault. On the off chance that I do ask for help, it's only after I've analyzed, tried to fix, and messed everything up worse than when it began, trying every route to doing so, leaving me mentally and sometimes physically exhausted.  My impatience sometimes gets me in a little bit of trouble in the men department as well...talk about fickle creatures...they just don't make men the same as they used to.  Anyway, as I'm sure I've said in prior posts, there needs to be a balance to everything.  Sometimes you gotta be a giver and sometimes you have to be a taker.  It's just the way the world was meant to work.  So I started thinking about all this, as I always do.  The question I kept coming back to is, if we are performing all our own miracles, where does that leave room for God to do His? (His are always better and less exhausting by the way).  So in an attempt to fix my little imbalance, I decided it would be a good idea to phone in a little prayer request to God.  The prayer went something like this....

"Dear God, I know you love me and you have like 87 angels assigned to protect and help me because of all the stupid things I do and get myself into, but I really think that due to the economy we should free up a few of my angels for other people.  Don't worry...I have an idea on how we can make this work.  All you gotta do is pass by the Patience Station up there in your heavenly shopping mall, pick up a box of it, and send it on down to me.  You see, with more patience I would be much more apt to keep out of troublesome situations, using less angel work force.  Also, if you could just wipe out the entire male race that would really be a big help with me keeping on the straight and narrow too.  If that can't happen, how about we make a deal?  With whomever I meet, like, and start to date, if you know they aren't the right one for me, make them disappear.  Preferably not in mob mafia style, but it's acceptable if that is the only way.  Cuz ain't nobody got time fo' that! (If you didn't see the Youtube video of that lady you should Google it).  Amen"

Little did I know that those were the two toughest requests I have ever uttered.  It's a lot different than the normal "help me find my keys", and "thanks for my grub" prayers I shoot up to him daily.  If anyone knows the relationship me and the man upstairs have, nothing ever comes easy, at least on my end.  Come to think of it, He's probably having a ball watching me do all the dancing while he's shooting.  Truth be told, He doesn't have a grab bag of personality traits that are waiting to be sent on down and downloaded into our brains.  (Well maybe he does, but they certainly aren't labeled to me!)  He knows how thick skulled I am and that I'm a hands on kinda girl seeking challenges with  adventure running through her veins.  He knows He has to take me through some uncharted territory on a journey through some backwoods country where I learn first hand how to get what I am looking for, otherwise the lesson just isn't gonna stick.

What I found out in my little prayer experiment is that the answer is always "wait" when you mistakenly ask God for things like patience. Believe me, He will give you some instances where you have no other path other than to wait.  Though it certainly does make for some interesting stories, like having men running towards you at full relationship speed, then disappearing off the face of the planet...(it's really becoming like a bugs hitting your windshield sort of phenomenon with these guys and at this point I'm just sitting back and marveling at the artwork)...or buying tires, then getting a flat less than one month shy of the warranty expiring, and calling the tire place to find out that the only guy that can make that decision is on vacation, or even as simple as ALWAYS picking the checkout line where someone has a price issue.  If anyone shares the impatience gene with me, you know that the biggest bomb you can drop on people like us is the words "wait", "maybe" or the all so dreaded no response at all.  Just writing them makes me cringe. 

It's true, some days I find myself wanting to take back my challenge myself to grow prayers, but deep down I know it's gotta get dealt with someday...and sooner is always better than later for impatient people.  It's the master it before it masters you sort of mentality.   I'm not sure how long this journey is going to take to complete, but at least I know I'm getting one step closer to the finish line every sunrise and it'll be worth it in the end.  Besides, I really should stop hoarding all my angels to myself and start sharing them with the rest of you folks.  After all, they've got a lot of practice.  :)

The Haunting

So...as it turns out I've been on hiatus from writing for a bit. I guess this is the infamous writer's block everyone speaks about...when people lock themselves in cabins for months, shut off their phones, computers, and communication to the outside world, grow their hair all long and shaggy, and go mad. I'll be honest, my writer's block didn't really come in that sort of fashion (as tempting as it sounds to lock myself away into seclusion for a while). It came in the form of being busy, too busy to the point of exhaustion, every day. No time for tv, relaxing, let alone thinking and writing. Non stop, on the go until I collapsed in bed for at least a solid month, if not more. There might or might not have been drinks involved some nights. The problem is, I kept scheduling things to be that way. I consciously did it to myself. Why you might ask? Simple. So I would have no free time to myself to sit back and reflect. I wanted to be distracted. And believe me, I've been feeling the repercussions lately. There are hours in some days I certainly can not account for...(no matter how good of a time your having, there shouldn't be a point where you can't remember those good times).

I don't know how March got here so fast and I certainly didn't realize how much time I took off until I was alerted by my one fan, my Aunt, this week. It's not that I haven't thought about anything or had some awesome realizations, though my showers have been more of a rush than enjoyment lately. So that leaves only one place where I can have thinky alone time...car rides...which seriously limits the length of conversations you can have with yourself. If anyone knows what I'm talking about at this point, good on you for reading my previous blogs. Anyway, it's really hard to write while driving, not to mention the many distractions on the road. You have to think about things like where you are going, shifting, why Bucks County drivers ride the left lane, and how traffic actually starts and gets so out of hand, which doesn't leave much time for the important stuff. Admittedly, I'm one of those people that can't have the tv on and read, or be around people conversing while studying, or have talk radio on while writing, because where there are people, I instinctively want to pay attention to them and not to what I'm doing. I've always been this way. Believe me, you can ask any of my grade school teachers...if I ever got in trouble, it wasn't because I didn't do my homework or failed a test, it was somehow related to talking or laughing or making fun of or fighting...with people...or throwing snowballs into people's dorm windows...but that's a story for another day.

So bringing it back on topic, I have about 15 blogs started, all while driving in my car, but not one have I allowed myself enough time to finish when at home. I was too busy being busy and it finally took a 6 hour drive to VT to be alone, with no distractions, to figure out the why, and be forced to face the silence and allow my brain time to sort through the wreckage. I knew what I was doing. I planned my brain to be preoccupied. When it comes down to it, I didn't want to think or deal with certain things at the moment. Little old me postponing the inevitable.

Which FINALLY leads me to the heart of this post. I've been in this place before. We all have. Some are currently there and don't even know it. Whether we throw ourselves into work, or someone, or video games, or shopping, or whiskey, or whatever it is we do to keep ourselves occupied and distracted...it's all the same. Most of the time we don't even know or realize what we are doing...and therein lies the danger. Doing things and not understanding why. Not taking the time to analyze the causes and our reactions. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Even the Apostle Paul writes about this sort of thing in Romans 7 (go ahead, look it up). But it's definitely something that needs to be addressed.

Here's what I learned prior, through a long, hard, painful process, the longer we allow ourselves to not deal with our emotions and hurts and feelings as they happen, the dumber we feel about those issues when they resurface. This makes it harder and harder to identify and deal with them and move on from them. The longer we wait, the more disassociated we become with the root of the problem. The truth is if we don't deal with an issue and get past it, it will haunt us until we do. Whether we think it is or isn't, it's there...in our choices and conversation and advice given and walls built and things we do, etc. Worst of all, it doesn't just affect us, it affects those around us. Also, the longer we find ourselves grasping at things to make ourselves feel better for the moment, the longer it will be that we will be stuck in the same place. This is the reason I don't care for substances on a regular basis, or needing something to cope or feel better. Not saying that I don't knowingly choose that route every now and again. No one of course is perfect.

This time around, however, was a little different for me. I was aware of what I was doing and making the choice to avoid it. I knew I would suck it up and eventually deal with what I had to when I had the energy to do so. I know better. I know what I'm doing. The good news is...it doesn't last forever. I get whatever it is out of my system, and then pick myself back up and start anew. This is the reason I'm writing this blog...to inform others. Knowledge is power.

We think we are making ourselves feel better because we get ourselves to a point where we aren't thinking much, but we are only prolonging the inevitable and if left unchecked, has the potential to make us much worse off. When we aren't thinking, we can't see what we have come from and where we are heading. We are actually aiding to our own demise, bringing ourselves further and further from the root of the problem and how to fix it.

So to sum it all up folks...
"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." - William James