No one is happier to see this year end, than me. No one. Just
take my word on that. (Disclaimer: I tend to over exaggerate. I really am grateful for what I have because
there are a million people out there that have had it so much worse and I don’t
mean to demean them in any way.) I was kind of hoping I wouldn't even be around
to see this year come to a close, you know with the end of the world and all
that was supposed to happen. But even
that couldn't go right! Those darn Mayans were wrong again! (On a
side note: Why were we so enthralled with a civilization that made such a
prediction but didn't have the cojones to stick around for it? Yes, I
know they are still around in sorts, but I didn't see any of their ancestors
getting all bent out of shape, selling their assets, saying goodbye to loved
ones in far away lands, or thinking the end was this month. Who's
laughing at who now? Well played Mayans. Well played.) Anyway, back to the
subject at hand. You know it's been a hell of a year when you are by
choice sitting at home alone on New Year's Eve knowing that the only kiss you
are going to get is a slobbery one from your puppy, that is if he can last long
enough to stay up until midnight, and you are eating that last bite of your Ben
and Jerry's, judging the fate of the upcoming year on whether there is going to
be a piece of heath bar or not in your last spoonful. Really? Come on guys!
Am I the only one who does that? The fate of your world has never
rested on a chocolaty morsel of goodness? Maybe you aren’t a food
person. Your heath bar could also be a
green traffic light at just the right timing, or the possibility of it snowing,
or a check engine light suddenly disappearing, or a handful of many other
ridiculous tests, all of which I’ve probably used. (Just so you know I did find
one in that last spoonful. So it looks
like it's gonna be a good New Year up ahead folks!)
This year has come with many ups and downs.
It was a thrilling rollercoaster ride if you ask me. Great Adventure has nothing on me! From again breaking up with the person I
loved, to make way for the better man that I’m still waiting on; from making a
bad Valentine’s the best I’ve ever had by spending it with one of my closest
friends on a cruise, and meeting some awesome people that will be lifelong
friends; from dealing with countless family struggles, including but not
limited to suicide attempts, surgery, missing persons, cancer, job loss,
accidents, mental hospitals, etc., to being able to say we are all still here
and together to end this year; from being miserable at my job, but finally
having enough balls to quit that which I hated, to search for something I love;
from unexpectedly watching the death of the best four legged friend I ever had,
to finding a new (wo)man’s best friend to keep me company; from old roommates
leaving, to welcoming new ones; from being jobless, but getting unemployment,
allowing me the opportunity to go on a road trip of a lifetime to finally get
to see this place I live in called America and what it’s all about, and in turn
visiting/meeting some awesome people and places, finding out about my roots, and
gaining a new perspective on life outside of the east coast hustle and bustle; to
fighting over softball politics, but making way for a season in a new league next
year; from turning 30, realizing what I had planned for my life at this age
just wasn’t in the cards, to being able to let go of those things and live more
freely; from having time to do the
things I love like starting this blog, being able to help out with hurricane
Sandy, feeding the homeless, and landing a place on the board of a non-profit;
and finally to today in which I find out one of my roommates is leaving, and my
unemployment claim just expired and they are not offering extensions (bad time
to quit smoking and drinking!). These
are just the highlights I can think of off the top of my head.
It’s really not too tough a life looking back at it all now, but I can tell
you I certainly felt the pain of the pulling, stretching, and growing while in
each of these moments. Many of which
looked bleak at the time, but here I am still standing. That’s the most important thing I choose to
remember when life throws you these curveballs.
This life thing always has a way of working itself out. The way I look at it is, I've lived and have
made it through a lot and have seen others make it through some impossible
circumstances as well. There's always a
silver lining if you look for it. So many things happen, good and bad, but they
make way for the things that need to happen in the future to get you to where
you need to go. If we are honest with
ourselves, sometimes we need a push in a different direction as we are
creatures of habit and love our comfort.
It’s so easy to lose our cool when we see a road block in the way. We just want to drive along our merry way in
our VW Jetta’s on the nicely paved road before us and follow the way our GPS
takes us. We have a plan and a timeframe. When things don’t go according to it, we get our
panties all up in a bunch. Why? I think it’s because we like to worry, as I
can’t think of one rational reason why any of it matters. What will happen if we don’t make it to our destination?
What will everyone think? Where are we going to go? How will we survive? Who will it affect? None of these questions even matter, because
there is no definitive answer for any of them.
Basically we will find out when we get there. Why even waste time thinking about them? We are so concerned about where we can’t go, that
we miss the beauty in seeing all the other options that have just opened up AKA
where we CAN go. There’s always a world
of possibilities: say a dune buggy in the desert, or a quad through the forest,
or a helicopter ride to the pinnacle. I
don’t know about you, but those options sound a lot more fun than driving
around in my Jetta on a paved road.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned on my little cross country road trip, it’s
that it’s easy to only see the bubble we live in and have grown accustomed to, and
then fit the rest of the world inside that bubble. Of course I knew that the world did not live
like us Americans. But what I didn’t
know is that Americans don’t live only like us East Coasters; or that us East
Coasters don’t live only like us Jersey people; or that us Jersey people don’t
only live like us North Jersey people; or that us North Jersey people don’t only
live like us (fill in the blank with any North Jersey county). Well I think you get the drift. We create our own worlds and fit the rest of
everyone else into it. In a parallel way,
we see our situations through the same glasses.
Many times only seeing one option, when in fact there are many. The only
standard of normal in life is the one we create in our own minds. Our own aspirations and opinions, and those
of the ones we have listened to our whole lives, and the people we have grown
up around, all help to create what we consider “normal” and what is important
to us. We need to remember to see things outside of this bubble.
We, in general, as humans, are afraid of change. But why?
Shouldn’t we be welcoming it?
Excited for a whole new set of doors to be placed in front of us? Just because life isn't the same as it used
to be, doesn't mean it's better or worse…it’s just different. I'm not afraid of dying, and that is the
worst possible thing that I can think of happening in life, because when it
comes, there’s no escaping it. So
anything less than death that comes my way seems reasonably overcome-able. The question is not “will things change”
because they most certainly will as nothing stays the same, but the real
question is “will I be around long enough to be able to see and experience it”. I know that just as quickly as the downs
come, is just as quickly the ups can come. I guess it helps I'm a hard headed
German and a fighting Irish too. Defeat is not a word in my vocabulary. If you are still living and breathing, there
is hope that people, places, and circumstances can change. No matter what comes my way, at the end of
the day, I can say at least I'm still alive, and can look back and see what
I’ve made it through, and know that at some point, things will change. Sometimes all we have to do is keep standing
until it does.
So here I am with this bad news of having no money coming in until I find a
job. At this point you would think I would take anything, but noooooo. I can’t allow myself to get sucked into the
mind numbing state of work again. I’ve surfed through plenty of jobs, have been
offered interviews and positions, all of which I have turned down. It’s not money or time or status that is
going to make the job decision this time.
It’s my heart. I gotta do
something I love for once and not be concerned about anything else that
follows. If that means I must work 80
hours a week to make ends meet, so be it.
It won’t be work if I am doing something I love, or so they say. I don’t know whether I finally have mastered
this no worry thing I’ve always believed in, or if I am just numb due to all
the crazy tragedies in my life, or am somewhat cocky and really put a lot of
stock into people’s encouragement that “I can do anything and that things will
work out”, but the bottom line is, I am not concerned with the fear of
impending doom from any angle. It would
really be wrong of me to leave out the most important contributing factor which
allows me to feel this way. As well as
my scientific experiments, trial and error approaches, and straight up logic, I
feel confident in also knowing that there is a higher power, God in respect,
that knows what’s best for me, sees the future, plays a hand in these things he
allows, has promised he’d always provide, and has felt the pain I’ve
experienced. It really helps to know
this kind of love, feel that peace, and have that sort of hope. This all goes
back to the bubble we are living in. How
easy it is to forget who’s we are when everything surrounding us on a constant
basis sends different messages? How
crazy is it that we put so much faith in the laws that us fallible men and
women create, yet don’t pay attention to any of the truths God tells us about
the world he made? This is the end of my
2012 words to ponder (you can count them). I feel fully confident that things’ll
work out this year. My spoonful of Ben
and Jerry’s told me so.
