Crossroads

As some of you know, I'm about to embark on a journey across the country and back for 30 days. At first, the idea started out as to cross something off bucket list while I had the time. This morning, the day I leave, the last day I'll be sleeping in my bed for quite some time, I can't even sleep. All I can do is think. And what I am thinking about is how this road trip has developed to not only a physical journey, but a journey of the soul. For a long time I've been unhappy. Trying to fit in a cookie cutter box shaped in the form of the American dream, that I'm starting to learn, I just don't fit into. Work a job I hate, to make the most money I can, to support myself and have a house and prepare for a future that I in all truth and honesty really don't yet have and is possible I might never attain. And as I was laying in my bed, I couldn't help but think about how absurd that sounds and gasp at the amount of time I've spent doing it. Regrets...that's one thing I always wanted to live without...but if we are being honest here, if I knew what I did today 10-15 years ago, I would have made different choices along the way. Anyone that has grown as a person over years would say the same thing. The only reason not to regret is that it made you into the person you are today...which is the argument I always gave. But I never realized until now that it's just a cheap way to remove responsibility and acknowledgement of your actions from your past self and all future screw ups. Make it, own it, learn from it, tell others. Here's the flip side...if you were already that person and knew all you knew now, back then...then you would want to go back and make better decisions. Unfortunately we don't have either option and we can only learn from our successes and failures. (Or we could start listening to the wisdom of some wise old folk.) Granted, I've had some really good experiences in this life. Met some amazing people along my way, and have done things that I never knew I could or would (good and bad) in these 30 years and I wouldn't change it because that was my life experience. But even still, I'm not truly happy trying to fit myself into this box it seems. Through all the things that have happened in my life, even just recently, losing the job I hated, not being able to find a decent guy, and having my best furry friend pass out of the blue, it seems like life's been throwing me in a direction whether I like it or not. My one last tie is my house...and I'm almost thinking I should offer it up willingly as a peace offering to said "Life" before it takes that too. Lol It's as if life's sending all these signals and messages to get me to where I should be headed but all I wanna do is swim against the current because that's where everyone else is headed. I'm starting to think that maybe I've just been in the wrong stream so to speak. All I know is it's almost as if life has been speaking to me and trying to subtly point me in a direction and now it's pulling out the big guns and sending the message loud and clear. It's funny to me that I should have just paused and asked myself where life was directing me, and just gone with the flow of it all this time. (Oh the battles of being a fighting Irish and hard headed German woman!) When you ask the people that have found what they are made to do, or they are with the person that they want to be with...the phrase that just keeps rolling over and over in my mind is "Do what you love and what makes you happy. Follow your heart." Never have I ever heard any of these people say, buy a house, get a paycheck, make a logical decision on the right guy to marry. No...it's always to go with your gut...take a chance even if the world is standing against you (as it's not the norm)...no matter how crazy it sounds, just get out there and live your dream. I know these are not mind blowing words...but today they ring true to me. I've only started listening to my gut this past year...and it was usually to alert me of bad stuff and I have to say it's always been right. But with this trip I think I'm starting to learn how to listen to my gut to push me towards the good stuff too. Some days I feel like if I don't get out of this rat race and reclaim the things that make me who I am, that I'm gonna just collapse and vanish into thin air. So today with this road trip I'm hoping to slow it down and get out of the traffic, be removed from all I know and have grown to love, and be placing myself on the open road of a world with many possibilities, possibly some road blocks dangers along the way, and exchange what I have and know for something fresh and unknown...sometimes you have to cross a few borders to gain a new perspective. There are going to be many crossroads on this trip and in this journey of life...but I'm determined to make it a good one from this point forward.

Faith is Not Just for Church Folk

I've always tried to think if there was one message I could grasp...one word to live by...one thing to prove...what would that thing be? After much debate, I chose love. I'm so serious that I have the word tattooed on my arm. In it's purest form if everyone followed it to a tee...I feel like it would solve all the problems of the world. Greatest commandment=love. "All you need is love." It was the base of the hippie movement. It knows no bounds. Conquers all evils in every classic John Cusack movie there ever was. And all that jazz. Would you steal or lie or cheat or murder, be mean to anyone if you truly loved them...no (of course this were to assume that we were all perfect in a perfect world). So naturally my favorite Bible verse is "...faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." I kinda always understood the love part. Only recently did I get the part about hope...without it, there are no dreams to see things bigger and better...but I kinda jumped right over the faith thing. I didn't understand the concept. I always felt that anything that was worth something could be used universally. Like the world was meant to run a certain way and if you take religion aside, no matter of your upbringing or age, it should work...so I didn't see how faith could fit in my little theory. Faith is such a churchy word (or at least in my upbringing...it might as well say in the webster "FAITH: see your local church for explanation"). So to me I didn't get how that word could fit in universally for all to work. Then in talking to one of my best buds one day...let's call him Mr. Down on His Luck to save his privacy...he said something that struck me and made me understand the concept of faith aside from religion. He said that talking to a certain friend always breathed a life into him and made him feel better and not so down on himself. And I asked him why. He said no matter how bad things got he would always have a positive outlook in regards to speaking with him and about his situation. Basically he never gave up on him or talked down to him or saw him in a different light or hinted to the fact that he was any different than anyone else, even if that was the truth of the moment. He always had faith that he was a good guy and would come around and find his own place and purpose again. And I'll be honest...I'd been friends with Mr. Down on His Luck for years. We had a special bond. I realized that in all the years of knowing him at probably his worst, I never undoubtedly had 100% faith in him that there would be a better day for him. I always spoke the truth and saw him as he was at the moment and accepted him for who he was. I'd listen to his problems and offer solutions but never negate the fact that he had shit going on that needed to be fixed. Being the honest person I am, I never shied away from pointing it out every now and then, like he didn't realize what was going on. Like maybe by acknowledging the flaws he would suddenly see the light and fix them. Though everything has it's place and honesty really is the way to go, I forgot how important the words spoken have the power to uplift and heal. Sadly he's not the only victim of my doing...I do this quite a lot to the people I care about. (I'd like to take this moment and apologize to all those people...seriously...anything I've said was all out of love...I didn't get the faith part yet.) Thankfully though it made me realize what faith is all about. It's about seeing what is, but realizing that's not all it can be, and speaking things into existence that will uplift the soul. Have you ever noticed that when you talk about things they come up later in conversation or life, almost as if someone heard you? It happens to me all the time, but only when I'm paying attention and looking for the still small moments do I realize they are there. It's like when you were little and someone talked about monsters in your closet and all of a sudden, what you never knew was suddenly apparent and created something out of nothing and you did silly things like make your 5 year younger brother turn on all the lights for you before going downstairs to bed. Or if you prayed for snow so you didn't have to go to school the next day, and you woke up and it was all serene and fluffy white outside. (Both stories come from my real life experiences). It's kinda like that. Words have this sort of power to come to fruition...they carry meaning behind them and can be used for good or evil. And so that is how I finally understood this little word called faith outside the context of religion. It is just as universal as hope and love.
PS: Thank you Mr. Up on Cloud 9 for teaching me this little lesson. I'm forever grateful dear. ;)

If You Want to Get Closer to God...Buy a VW

One of my favorite books is "The Art of Prayer and Volkswagen Maintenance". This is humorous only for the fact that in all the years I've owned this book, I've never actually sat down and thought about the title. This past week and a half I only came to realize what the title of that book really meant. It means that anyone that has a VW, is not a trained mechanic, and tries to "maintenance" it themselves, prays. End of story. (Who knew those Germans were so spiritual!) Now I honestly don't pray as much as I should...more like I don't devote a specific part of my day to get on my knees and pray normally...but once I started working on my VW over a week ago to do what I thought was some routine "maintenance" and change my brakes...my prayer life drastically improved.

Long version of the story (If you don't have 1/2 hour on your hands to read it, and don't really care about car maintenance, and want the abridged version skip on down to the next paragraph):
Anyway...so here's how this all came to be. I went to church...was reminded about prayer and how important it was. I think to myself, I really need to pray more. (Let me just state here...be careful what you wish for). Then I started working on my VW to get ready for a month long road trip I was planning on going on in a couple weeks. It was a Thursday. I figured I'd change the brakes, maybe the rotor I messed up 2 years ago and be up and running same day...no biggie. Little did I know, I needed a tool no one sold or had (except one mechanic at VW had but was not willing to part with for an hour cuz apparently it's that hard to come by) to take off the rotor.  So I said, "Screw it. I'll just slap on the brakes and forget about the rotor again". In changing my brakes, I found one of the calipers had seized and the piston wouldn't turn in and thus all work halted. I had to order a new caliper. By the time I found this out, it, of course, was the weekend and I couldn't get the part 'til Monday. So I figured if I was waiting that long, I'd put the tool on order to take the rotor off. I was now in the waiting process, stuck at my parents house, with my car on bricks...and patience is not one of my strongest virtues. I was lucky enough to have a friend that was going away on vacation the exact week my car was immobile, who allowed me to borrow her car for the week (my own personal LIFE SAVER). So Monday came and I got my caliper.  The tool to take off the rotor was scheduled to get here Thursday when I placed it on order. As soon as I got the tracking number for the tool I was habitually checking it's progress and was stressing as it was estimating a delivery date of Friday. Friday was the day I had to get to the airport, pick up my friend, and give her her car back. So if I didn't get the part Thursday, as originally planned, I would have no time to fix my car and would be stuck indefinitely at my parents house with no mode of transportation...which to me is a nightmare. (You know how it feels to have been moved out for 7 years and only being able to handle them in small doses...then imagine the thought of living back there indefinitely...scary!) The night of Wednesday I literally got on my hands and knees and prayed (first request answered) that the tool would come in the Thursday instead of Friday. While I was down on my knees I also snuck in there a request for more patience because at this point my car had been down for a week and I was getting nervous. (Again, I can not stress enough...be careful what you wish for.) Much to my surprise, the next morning I checked the tracking of the part as an anal stressed person would do, and the ship date changed to Thursday. So here it is a week later and I finally had what I needed to get my car running...just in the nick of time.  Trying to fix the car, everything took longer than expected and it seemed like it was one project and fiasco after another. We didn't get the car up and running. Friday I gave my borrowed car back and was under the gun working on my car. Again we ran into so many problems and questions.  Do we need to bleed the clutch?  What order do we bleed the brakes (with VW's is completely opposite of the conventional way)? After a grueling day/night again working on the car...we had it all together. Relief set in...until I tried to start my car.  My clutch wouldn't engage, car wouldn't start, warning lights blowing up all over my dash, and all I got was the dreaded "click click click" when I turned the key. (Hence my 2nd request of increased patience was answered). And then I broke down completely, burst into tears, and had no choice but to settle down and sleep and deal with it tomorrow. On top of my car issues, I had to blow off a friend I promised to help that night and felt bad about that. (so here's the part where God gives me more than I asked for...faith). The next morning I woke up, called people for suggestions...and was so upset and frustrated that I sat in the driver seat and pumped the clutch like 20 times angrily. And for whatever reason I decided to try to start the car even though I had done it multiple times the prior night with the same failed result...and don't u know that thing purred like a kitten and started right up. The warning lights disappeared. I sat there almost in disbelief.  Whatever was wrong kinda just fixed itself. The saga was over...and I had gotten what I asked God for and more. And it just so happens that my car was fixed in time to still help my friend as he decided to wait until the next day to do his project, so I got that feeling bad part resolved too.  Oh and my car was ready just in time for me to make it to church the next morning. Of course...that's just TOO perfect. Not ready when I was supposed to go out drinking or meet someone that again is probably not good for me (you can read my earlier blog about that one "God's Cock Blocking Me).

Abridged Version of the story:
Everything that went wrong fixing my car, went wrong; which caused me to pray really hard; which caused me to ask for patience; which prompted God to give me a reason to make me be patient (kinda like when you are young and your parents say "I'll give you a reason to cry"). In the end it could not have worked out more perfectly, everything was fixed in time, and I still got the important stuff I needed to do done, which caused me to have more faith in God to take care of my issues big and small.


Needless to say, when I go on my road trip less than 2 weeks from now, I will not be asking God for ANYTHING.  I'm just gonna thank Him for keeping me safe and giving me an amazing day at the end of every night and promise Him I will start asking for things again when I get back. (I can't wait to see the grab bag of tricks He has up His sleeve for my return...I assume giving God a month to "think" is much like giving a 2 year old a crayon and sticking him in an empty white walled room). :)

I don't know how you see your God...I tend to see him a little different from the norm (and by norm I mean there is none...god as a norm is only relative to what your norm was growing up or at least that's how I see it). The thing about the God I know is that he gives you what you ask for...but he's a super smart ass about it...but only cuz he really loves us. (Kinda like how you only can crack jokes on the ones that are closest to you).  I guess He knows that a hard headed person like myself can only learn lessons that stick through trials. He's like..."Oh goodie! Glori wants to pray more. I'll help her with that!  A little car trouble here, a bunch of things to juggle there...she will pray. And she wants patience to deal with the wait.  Oh boy!  Well I'll give her a reason to be have more patience and just make her wait longer. But being that I'm a good God and want the best for her...I'm gonna give her what she is seeking and more. Prayer, patience, and an increase in her faith to remind her again that I have it under control, all things great and small. My ways and timing are impeccable."