Love, Logic, and the Like

Where is the balance between love and logic in relation to finding that special person? For so many years I was this person...trying desperately to control my emotions...I used logic for everything. Sure I didn't have a problem being in love with a couple people throughout my life, but never did I ever think they were the one. Even if they were I would have never found out because of two reasons...because I couldn't love myself (which is conclusion after a long and detailed set of reasons why), and because I completely had thrown away my feelings and emotions after so many years of relying on logic. Then through a series of unfortunate circumstances I lost my best friend in a sense. Someone I could always count on, someone that understood me, someone I would have in an instant gave my life for, someone I put all my hope and faith in. And then my world I had built everything on came crashing down. Nothing made me feel better...I couldn't even feel anything anymore. Then someone pointed out to me that emotions are not something to hide, and that they are there for a reason...many reasons in fact (indicators, as a release, etc.). And I realized that through my life's path of being so logical and prepared for most anything that I had also lost all my feelings trying to save myself and protect my heart. So after this realization I decided to start feeling. If I was angry, sad, upset, happy, etc I was gonna let it run it's course and realize that everything is just a season. A couple years later and this all in full practice, I was on my way to living my life not worried about the who's and when's and bumped into my first and thus far only true love. I was a whole person and gave my heart up in it's fullest for the first time romantically ever. The only problem was he was where I was before I chose to start feeling again and I couldn't make him see that (which is how it always goes...you rarely ever take the advice from the one's that care about you most especially when you are invested in the other person...we gotta figure it out on our own). Bottom line is we weren't on the same page and could not see eye to eye until that happened. If I had sucked it up we might still be together...but the thoughts of all the phone calls from unhappily married friends, and the images from my parents lives played back, and I did not want to be stuck in a relationship knowing it could be better. So I chose to let go of what was in my hand for something that I knew could be better. I let love go...because it takes more than just that to make a relationship work. There were an onslaught of emotions for many months to follow...but I let it run it's course...and in a strange way by doing this I eventually healed. And now on the other side of that fence it's no mistaking that love is a terrible thing to have to give up. (I'd like to take this moment and apologize to all those I've coldly moved on from...I would never wish that pain on anyone). Cuz what I didn't realize is when you love fully you literally give your heart away...so if it doesn't work out, you never truly feel like yourself. It's almost like you can never be the same person again. You have to reinvent who you are. Would I change my decision? Never. Because all this is the epitome of the point I have been trying to reach...having the balance between love, and logic is the only way to be a healthy person. And you have to have something healthy to begin with in order to be able to give the forever love a chance.

God's Cock Blocking Me

Seriously...is it wrong of me to say that? Cuz that's really what it's seeming like now a days. God is pulling the good ol' fashioned cock block on me. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing...I think he's got a plan and is weeding out all the dumb ass guys there are out there but only now he's doing it in record speed. Not like the old days where he would let me test the waters for a few months before finding out that a guy was completely useless and things weren't gonna work. Maybe God finally caught up with the times and updated his angels from messenger birds to the internet so it no longer takes 3 months for a message to travel to them to sabotage it all before I do it myself and get stuck in some relationship that's no good for me. I don't know what it is...but it seems like I keep running into boys trapped in men bodies...the kind who have no respect or balls or sense of responsibility anymore. Is it a picture of the state of the world and where it's headed? Is it poor upbringing? Is it something I'm doing that attracts every single wrong fella there is out there? I guess I'll never know for sure. But one thing is for sure...it seems God wants to keep me single for a very long time.
I think God should have a suggestion box...I would write to him as follows: "Dear God, Do you think we can change this whole aging process up a bit? Maybe only allow people to look the age that they truly act so us women can see from a distance what we are dealing with without having to go through the hassle?"
I assume God's response would be something like:
"Yo! I got this! I know what I'm doing. Sorry I slacked off and made guys on the last day. I was a bit tired after creating the whole rest of the world you know...and I guess I could have added that in there. But I did see that later on and after I was rested, I came back in with a fresh outlook and created woman to deal and understand such beings I call man."
"Thanks God, thanks! (SMH yet smiling)...You're good you."

The Brick Theory AKA House of Cards

So...the long awaited brick theory is here. In fact, the wait was so long that I have updated the theory's name to "house of cards" cuz it's a much better fit. This is how it started for me. So I was sitting around debating in my mind where we all came from and how this whole world came to be. I grew up Christian so naturally Creationism was what I was taught, so that's what I believed for many years...once I got old enough, logic took over my brain and suddenly believing because someone said so with no reasoning was no longer an option. Things had to logically made sense before I agreed to sign up for them. Obviously the two major theories taught are Creationism and Big Bang (which is an awesome show by the way)/Evolution. I researched and rolled around pros and cons of both and where science fails and how neither can scientifically be proven. In the end, the way I chose to believe is the way I was brought up. When all is said and done...neither Big Bang nor Creationism can be proven hands down. So no points there. Because I've never seen anything explode and create life or anything but a big pile of rubble, I have to at this point rule that out entirely. Not to mention the law that matter can neither be created or destroyed...stating basically something can not come from nothing. Creationism is the only start that is still plausible to me, because a higher being would be above all laws and be able to create something from nothing, because he created the laws.  I can neither disprove nor affirm this...but the fact remains that it is still a possibility. So at least it's still on the board...and in all truth and honesty everything is so amazing and complex and we are still trying to figure it all out that to me I have to believe that there is something bigger and better and more intelligent...because if the world relied on anything/anyone else to have that much creativity and smarts...I think we'd be waiting a long time. Plus it's nice to think that there is still a reason that we matter.  Hope and purpose in humans go a long way.  Getting back on track...with the theory of evolution...I half agree and half don't. I totally understand evolution within a species because we see it every day. There are dominant and recessive genes. Those that are dominant will generally show, lessening the possibilities of the recessive throughout the generations. For example how people are in general taller, or have darker features now a days...or at least in the melting pot we call America. But on the other hand never have I ever seen first hand a species evolve into another species. If it were a possibility, then it should still be going on to this day. In my right mind, I think at least one animal should be mid stage making it's journey to becoming another species because it's too hot or cold or sunny or they no longer have access to their legs or whatever the stimuli. I guess you could call me a doubting Thomas...but I'm just not into believing what people are telling me unless I see, or feel it for myself...because only then is it real to me. I mean the majority believed the world was flat at some point! It's really not hard to sell something to the general public if you have a convincing argument...even without proof...cuz most people don't have the time or care enough to research anyway.
Anyway...summing this all up and moving to the actual point of this blog...so I have my reasons why I believe what I do now that I'm an adult. But I find that it is very hard for most people to stray from how they were taught as children. And it made me start to think about why that is. And that is when I came up with the house of cards theory. Think of it simply. Can you imagine if your whole life you were told the sky is green...everyone in your school and community thought it was green...it was green as far as you knew.  Then 20 or so years later someone tried to tell you your entire town, friends and family were wrong and it was actually blue? You'd think they were crazy. I bet you wouldn't even think twice about it. But what if you somehow found out they were telling the truth? What else would need to change that you had based on this "fact"? What other things would you start questioning? And that is only a simple example. Now try and think of it on a bigger scale in regards to our core thoughts and beliefs.  We are taught the laws and boundaries of life when we are young. How to act, speak, believe, take care of ourselves, ways to treat people, etc...these things are like the bottom row of cards in a house of cards. We don't question them, and we eventually grow to build beliefs and actions and ways of life upon that which we were taught. This ends up being the subsequent rows building on top of the bottom row of a house of cards. If for some reason that bottom row is challenged we'd put up our best defenses, because the whole house is coming down if not. This is why I think it's hard for people to let go of what they were taught in their youth. When we reevaluate our beliefs, it creates fear and uncertainty because if that bottom row of cards is wrong then everything we built them on is as well...and it all collapses. Then you have to start over...and no one likes starting over. This concludes the long awaited brick theory aka house of cards. Hope it was worth the wait. :)